Don't Gel Too Soon

You’re It!

SO my friend Liza tagged me with the following:

Find the nearest book.
Name the author & title.
Turn to page 123.
Post sentences 6-8.
Tag three more people.

Here’s what turned up:

Robert Scoble and Shel Israel’s Naked Conversations. "He advises those who will listen: "If a blogger has enough passion, the blog becomes the central place on the Internet for that topic. Companies understand the importance of Google but they don’t yet get how blogging fits in. If the corporation doesn’t do this for themselves, then someone else will."

I’m reading the book because a client suggested it; I’m usually more fiction/politics but I have to admit it’s pretty interesting. Scoble is a big friend of BlogHer. He was at last year’s convention.

And I tag Liz, Ronnie and Cooper. Post here or on your own blog.

HATS OFF (???)

What is it about hats? When I was a young lefty-hippie I ran around in a big orange straw hat with a floppy brim. You can see me here with the late, amazing Spalding Gray.

Somehow though, when I entered the world of Orthodox Judaism, the hat seemed a surrender to authority and to what I saw as a kind of lower status. Men cover their heads to remind them of God. Women are mandated to cover their hair for reasons relating to the Orthodox concept of “modesty.”

Our “beit midrash” – a group of women who study Jewish concepts, ideas and texts together every Tuesday, has just spent several sessions talking about hair covering and its origins and interpretations.

The teacher for this topic, Laura Shaw Frank, is an effective,inspiring and gifted teacher. A long-time corporate lawyer, she left her practice to become a Jewish educator. Whatever sacrifices that has involved, it has been a gift to the communities of women (and often men AND women) who have benefited from her teaching.

What we learned, basically, is that 1] Women and the temptation they offer men are perceived as terribly dangerous. Our hair is seen by many sages as so erotic and stimulating that it must be covered to protect both men and women. Therefore modesty becomes our responsibility, to guarantee the virtue of our people. 2] In most parts of Orthodox Judaism only married women must cover their hair. I’m still confused about why it isn’t more dangerous for young, single girls to be “exposed” than old married ladies like me, but there your are. 3] WHEN women must cover their hair depends on where they happen to be. At home, with only family around, no need. The farther we get out into the world, the more rigid is the requirement to “cover up.”

Of course, Orthodox women observe this obligation in different ways. Some wear wigs that cover every hair; some scarves and hats that do the same. Some cover only the top portions of their hair – as this photo of Laura Frank illustrates. Others wear head covering only in Synagogue.

THIS IS ME, NOT LAURA FRANK: In any interpretation it’s discriminatory; we’re covering our heads to protect men. Clearly there’s considerable argument about why this has to happen at all, although almost no disagreement that it has to happen in some form. It’s another acceptance of discipline, but unlike many that I’ve written about here, this one is, to me, a manifestation of a deep distrust of women and the power we wield. I have believed for some time that it is our power to create life, to bring forth new human people, that led men to view us as dangerous and subversive; that somehow it’s based on a jealousy that they do not have this ultimate privilege that rests with us.

ALL those reasons and many many more discussed over these past weeks made me really reluctant to buy into the hat-wearing thing. Then I started thinking about touring Europe and carrying scarves to put over my head in cathedrals. I was willing to cover my head in the cathedrals but not in my own congregation! I decided that was disrespectful. I began wearing scarves tied around my head. They looked kind of cool – and I felt more appropriate.

I wore the scarves for over a year and then I got sick of having them slide around and cram my bangs against my face. I solved the problem. I bought a hat. A red hat. I felt a little bit like I was playing dress-up but it’s become easier.

Last week, at the last class taught by Ms. Frank, we had a hat sale. THAT was really like playing dress-up with your girlfriends! I bought a really pretty one. And although I wear hats whenever I’m in the sanctuary at the Synagogue, I am still bothered by the discrimination implied by the rules and definitions surrounding head coverings.

As we heard in class though, if you’re going to engage in the rules of head covering and modesty, at least know where they came from. I know now, and I’ll cover my head in shul even though I’m not happy with the reasons behind it. In my heart, I still believe that much of the behavior prescribed for women in the Torah emerges from a deep anxiety about the powers and mysteries that surround us — powers that offer us the privilege of pregnancy and birth, of an inviolate connection to our children and of wisdom shared — for centuries — among us. Fortunately, no hat is going to cover that!

LIVING ON THE EDGE – FUTURE TENSE

Some radical thoughts about the future from people who actually might know what they’re talking about: I have always been fascinated by the smart, smart people who live from the center to the edge of the cyberthinker world. Because I was present in LA for much of the early conference/thinker gatherings when they weren’t so exclusive and you could get a press pass if you knew your way around reporter vocabulary, I met many of them — often humbling but exhilarating experiences.

Over the years one of their most resourceful thinkers, John Brockman, has built a foundation called The Edge, where thinkers gather to "ask each other the questions they are asking themselves." The annual question founder Brockman has asked this community of thinkers (albeit more than 6 times more men than women) is "What Are Your Optimistic About? Why?" It’s worth a look. Some of those I know the most about, and respect, whose ideas might intrigue, include Whole Earth Catalogue publisher Stuart Brand, Microsoft pioneers Linda Stone and Nathan Myhrvold , Jaron Lanier, the man who named "virtual reality, Howard Gardner, the Harvard professor who has had such an impact on how we see learning differences and help the kids who have them, and one of the earliest Web thinkers, Esther Dyson.

Take a look; you might actually find a route to some optimism yourself! I was surprised by how much "good news" these people deliver. If we can just get some political leadership to follow up on it we’ll be better able to leverage these possibilities but either way, it’s nice to get some good news once in a while. Happy New Year.

It’s the end of the year. Our first (at least half of it) in this house. We waited a long time to be able to live here – and still face difficulties. But, as the song says, it’s “A very, very, very fine house.” Both of our kids love it — although they’ll always come to visit and probably never live here. Sabbath dinners are lovely and comfortable. All around us, the vibe is good.

We moved here, walking distance from our synagogue, with trepidation as we came further and further into the new, observant lifestyle that has so transformed us. Last night we had dinner with friends of a similar age who moved into the community just last week. “I feel like a different person.” said one of them. Me too, I guess, but in my case it’s really that I feel more like the real self I always knew was in here someplace.

So, on this last day of the year – as we face continued earthly difficulties with our house and its predecessor (don’t ask) I sit, at dawn, sleepless, but thankful for this new opportunity – maybe privilege, that’s been granted to us. As we move to 2007, the 61st year I’ve lived on this earth, the 15th since I quit smoking, the 31st I’ve been a mother, 36th I’ve been a wife and 9th I’ve lived with both my parents gone, I ask – hope – pray for a good long time for Rick and me to follow this path together, for health, happiness and peace for the two of us, our magnificent sons and those they choose to love — and for the loving, generous and exemplary community that has helped set us on this remarkable journey.

Teach Your Children Well

Much of what I enjoy about other blogs, particularly "mommy" ones, is the sense of irony that is so different from my own sentimental view of parenthood. Brutally honest and often painful, they reveal wounds and issues I don’t think I could talk about on line. Loving mothers and beautiful writers, women like Liz at Mom 101, Mir at WouldaCouldaShoulda, Kristen at Motherhood Uncensored and Jenn at Mommy Needs Coffee are all gutsy beyond measure in their honesty. Mocha Momma Kelly, Liza from Lizawashere and BeenThere’s Cooper Munroe are just as honest but with a different tone – one more familiar to me. All perspectives are worthy, moving and wise.

Here’s one of the few times I really feel generational difference though. These bloggers are substantially younger than I am; I’m old enough to be the mother of most of them. I don’t feel that difference often, but today, with one of my boys gone already and the other leaving tomorrow, I just can’t get un-sugary.

The great gift of raising children is I am sure the most profound privilege life brings us. The pleasures are infinite. To my delighted surprise, they don’t stop when these tiny people emerge as full-blown adults, taking their places as productive, loving, principled men. The entire time they, and Josh’s girlfriend Amy, were here this week, was so great that I’m struck dumb with gratitude and love.

For an entire afternoon excavating six boxes of treasures from 20 boxes of childhood stuff — from broken Nintendos and the Jerry Garcia’s death issue of Newsweek to Double Dare sweatshirts and high school yearbooks, they worked, sorted, laughed, read aloud, complained, laughed some more, and got it all done despite my best efforts to help. I wish I could tell you what it felt like to see them laughing together over a first grade "book" Dan had written or once-treasured but minor value baseball cards, remembering the pleasures and joys of their lives.

Nobody’s life is perfect and our family certainly has had its share of pain, but there is a beautiful foundation that holds us up – draws us to one another and fills us with love. That’s corny. We have two sons who are funny and attractive and honorable and productive and considerate and who clearly love us. We are grateful. That’s corny too. I don’t know how to say that with any self-restraint or discipline – stylistic or otherwise.

I adore these young men even as I struggle to retain the distance they deserve (reasonably successful), welcome them when they want to be with us (easy as pie), shut up when they need to be someplace else( do my best), keep my mouth shut when I disagree (getting better all the time.) I am very proud of their self-reliance and accomplishments, their candor about obstacles in their lives, their incredible humor — they are both very funny, particularly when they are together — and their gentle, loving souls. They’ve accepted our newly religious lifetstyle with interest and respect. They are also very good to one another. I revel in their friendship, all the flying back and forth for concerts and birthdays, and great gifts they give one another.

In other words, I’m a corny, unoriginal mom. My sons have brought an unanticipated portion of joy and satisfaction, fun and admiration, adventure and idealism, into my life. And they love us. Stupid us. Despite all the mistakes and complications. I’d love to be able to be a bit ironic about it, to ditch what my kids call my "pink Cindy glasses" for a while just to see how I would sound, but it ain’t gonna happen. So I hope all my edgier colleagues will tolerate this gooey post and understand my inability, tonight, as the year winds down and this family visit winds with it, to say anything except "God I love my kids."

SPIES, LIES AND THE MOVIES

In our usual Christmas Day tradition, we went to a movie today. We chose The Good Shepherd — a sort of biopic of the CIA through the eyes of one Skull and Bones Yalie in the 30s who rose to head counter-intelligence there. Played by Matt Damon, he was a great character but the film itself was troubling. There are plenty of beefs with the plot and the bare, stereotypical portrayal of the women but most interesting to me was its ambiguity.

Throughout the film, it’s clear that much of what’s happening is horribly distasteful and ugly. Yet it’s equally clear that much of it has to be done, and that the people doing it are not ALL odious creatures. Instead, we’re able to think seriously about these people and what it is that has shaped their lives.

As one ugly incident after another arose, all I could think about was a courtroom scene in A Few Good Men when Tom Cruise’s character Lt. Daniel Kaffee questions Jack Nicholson’s memorable Col. Nathan R. Jessep
Col. Jessep: You want answers?
Kaffee: I think I’m entitled.
Col. Jessep: You want answers?
Kaffee: I want the truth.
Col. Jessep: You can’t handle the truth.
Son, we live in a world that has walls, and those walls have to be guarded by men with guns. Whose gonna do it? You? You, Lt. Weinburg? I have a greater responsibility than you could possibly fathom. You weep for Santiago, and you curse the marines. You have that luxury. You have the luxury of not knowing what I know. That Santiago’s death, while tragic, probably saved lives. And my existence, while grotesque and incomprehensible to you, saves lives. You don’t want the truth because deep down in places you don’t talk about at parties, you want me on that wall, you need me on that wall. We use words like honor, code, loyalty. We use these words as the backbone of a life spent defending something. You use them as a punchline. I have neither the time nor the inclination to explain myself to a man who rises and sleeps under the blanket of the very freedom that I provide, and then questions the manner in which I provide it. I would rather you just said thank you, and went on your way, Otherwise, I suggest you pick up a weapon, and stand a post. Either way, I don’t give a damn what you think you are entitled to.

In other words, lots of ugly things are done in our names. Sometimes, like in Abu Ghraib, they’re wrong. Sometimes, like some of the events in this film, they’re necessary — and as Col. Jessep reminds us — most of us don’t want to talk about them at parties –OR to know about them at all.
As angry as we get – and as ashamed as current government activities may make us – this film has evoked in me a renewed awareness of those complicated moral issues that emerge along with complicated events. For that alone, it’s a movie I’d recommend.

GOD, VIDEO GAMES AND THE END OF THE WORLD

Today on AlterNet – a wonderful aggregator of things political, there appeared the rather remarkable tale behind production of the video game Left Behind. Based on the phenomenally best-selling series of books set during the arrival of the End Times and the Rapture, it sounds like it’s pretty violent for a religious game.

I guess though that the entire story of the End Times is pretty grim. I remember thinking that back when I first heard of these books. It was around 7 years ago, when the first one came out. I wandered back to the galley on a cross country flight and found the flight attendant transfixed, deeply involved in the story. We spoke of it for some time; it meant a great deal to her.

I have always found apocalyptic stories riveting. Maybe it’s growing up in the "duck and cover" era but the idea of the world ending in fire seemed so plausible in those times* I was deeply affected by it, I think. If you had to go under your desk in 2nd or 3rd grade and put your crossed hands over your neck, you’d be scared too.

In addition to our air raid drills, there were books and movies like Alas, Babylon, On the Beach, and dozens of other nuclear disaster tales. They were full of small, horrible moments. I was pretty young but I remember, from Alas Babylon, mobs storming drugstores and looting them for medicine. Even now it is probably the image of nuclear war that sits most viscerally in my mind. My father had high blood pressure – and was lost without his hearing aid – and I remember fearing that a war would take away his medication and the hearing aid batteries that connected him to us.

The bombs always came from countries back then. Now of course all it takes is a suitcase and some under-funded port security to empower someone bent on destruction. It probably is no accident that the Left Behind books are so popular — there’s so much uncertainty and so much that’s frightening. Which brings us back to the game. Somehow it seems less acceptable to insert violence into a religious game, but as I become accustomed to the weekly reading of Torah portions I realize the bloody violence in the Bible itself. Even God was not immune – his anger was swift and deadly. The understanding of that somehow seems, at least partially, to justify the violence of apocalyptic literature.

So. No conclusions — just a riff for a Wednesday night. And the thought that if violence emerges so often in sacred works it’s an acknowledgment of those things in our natures that challenge us most… to keep our own rage, envy and hatred from popping out and contributing to chaos — in real life, on the pages of a book, or on an XBOX 360.

Stress (whining again — sorry)

Here we go again! Both boys are coming on Saturday, my brother-in-law and his family will be here UNTIL Saturday, we’d like the kids to meet our friends in this new neighborhood, I have tons of work, no presents for anyone yet, and between Rick and me we maybe sleep a combination of 8 hours a night. Not a good combination.

I’m not sure what’s doing it either. I think I have to find a way to chill and remember what’s important — which is for everyone to have a good time and for me not to stress too much about cooking, etc. But between our kosher life, the dearth of decent ways to eat out here and the cost of taking everyone out all the time we do need to eat more meals at home than we used to. So I need to plan. AND still do work. AND see friends before the Big Week begins.

AND do my share of the household maintenance, crooked contractor lawsuit documentation and other pleasures. (That photo on the left is the unsupported tile floor being taken up to be COMPLETELY redone including the addition of the necessary but OMITTED subfloor. Oh you have no idea……)

Even so I’m so excited to have the boys here in our "new" house — and the rest just has to settle down. Kitchen floors and extra people and unpredictability are gifts, not curses. I know that.

After all, the boys and Amy will be here, we’re all pretty healthy and still love each other. That’s a good holiday present right there….

EDUCATION R US

This was a business day – no fooling around. I spent much of it reading education blogs for a client. I’m a real education junkie but often forget just how many wonderful, caring teachers there are out there. Wander around the blog world of educators and you find humor, commitment, talent and creativity. I admit that being the parent of kids with learning disabilities and the daughter and sister of teachers predisposes me to my admiration and interest but when you read these posts you really can’t resist.

I worry though about our schools. From what I’ve read we’re way behind China and India — among other countries — in the education of engineers and computer/math/science kids — and artsy and verbal as I am, I know those skills will be the ones we need to keep our country, and our economy, competitive. Yet all the hollering about the future of education is pretty empty. We give the No Child Left Behind tests, and I must admit that there are schools that really do need basic standards. But it’s critical thinking, inquiry and problem-solving, that will keep our country strong – and that’s suffering to fund the tests as a one-size-fits-all solution. In addition, funding for gifted kids is almost non-existent these days, so their talents aren’t being leveraged for our futures either.

If you want a real look at education today though go visit Mocha Momma — she tells it every day and with great style and compassion. Give her a try.

Remarkable

As usual after the break of the Sabbath – TV and computer off from sundown to sundown, I’ve found something amazing as I reconnect. My friend Cooper Munroe, who with her partner did more to get resources to New Orleans than most governments — via a BLOG (!!) has posted, on her blog BEEN THERE, Steve Jobs’ graduation speech at Stanford. It’s best if you just see for yourself — just watch it. More tomorrow.