Author: Cynthia Samuels

UNKINDEST CUT

Indians2_2 I’m having a very hard time.  For a project, I’ve spent most of Wednesday reading infertility, IVF, adoption and other blogs written by would-be parents who are unable to conceive.  This 25-year old photo is of two boys, my sons, conceived in no time.  Granted there was a miscarriage in between that hit us very hard, but the blessing of these two little boys came rapidly and without incident.

I’m familiar with this issue – I have so many friends with adopted kids — but the articulateness of these women and the agony of repeated technical failures they describe, is unthinkable.  It’s so ironic – years spent in your twenties worrying that you ARE pregnant, then this.

I can’t imagine many experiences more painful — though they existed even in biblical times (remember the pain of Sarah, Hannah and Rachel?) and they’re for a lifetime.  "Do you have kids?" is the classic ice-breaker.  It just reminds me one more time of the blessings in my life.  It’s not that I don’t appreciate my kids every day; as my sons will tell you I’m a bit over the top where they are concerned.  And I’m tiresome on that fact that they’re a blessing and a joy.

What I don’t often consider is the fact that we had them so easily – that they are, quite literally, a gift.  My heart breaks for my sisters not blessed with this privilege – and I won’t soon forget their pain. 

JULES, JIM AND ME

JulesjimI was 19 the first time I saw Jules and Jim. French New Wave films, especially those by the wondrous François Truffaut, were almost mystically revered by “intellectual” college students who hung out in art houses that served coffee and would have chained the doors shut rather than screen English language films (except for British New Wave, of course — or something like Zorba the Greek.) I remember loving the rebelliousness of the three of them: the amazing friendship between Jules and Jim; the disruptive but liberating presence of Catherine. She defied gender stereotypes, conventions of behavior and all other societal bonds. It was thrilling.

Jules_jim_1As I watched it tonight though, I realized that somehow I had missed the entire second half: the disintegration of the relationships, the selfish, destructive manipulations by the glamorous Catherine and even more interesting, the dominance, over all, of the friendship between the two men. As the narrator tells us, “Jules and Jim’s friendship had no equivalent in love.” Although both men loved Catherine, desperately, and lost so much because of her over the years, the truest, most enduring love was between the two of them. It’s also so interesting that they were German (Jules) and French (Jim) and that their friendship survived the horrors of the Great War though they fought on opposite sides. It’s particularly interesting since Truffaut lived in German-occupied France during World War II.

Jules_jim2
I guess watching the story at different points in one’s life is in many ways like it was for the three of them, living it. How we see life and what it brings us changes over time. If we are lucky, our early days permit the intoxication of rebellion and challenge of authority. If we continue to be lucky, none of those acts of rebellion does the kind of permanent damage that came to Jules, Jim and the woman they loved. And if we’re very lucky, blessed as I feel blessed, as those later days emerge, we recall what came before with amusement, affection and a joy tempered by rueful wisdom. That’s why this film – a completely different experience in 2007 from what it seemed to be 1965- is still such a gift. That’s why it will continue to matter. That is why, when mentioned among people my age, the response is a sigh and a smile. We’ve learned a bit about living and managed not to drive off into the river but, instead, to apply our hard-earned wisdom to keeping the car on road.

TEEN AGE GIRLS AND CELL PHONE STALKERS!

Scary_phone_call_1 You know all those amused, indulgent stories about teenagers texting and cell phoning at all hours?  And how great they are at multi-tasking?  Well if you believe this piece, running on AlterNet after appearing in the Christian Science Monitor, (and there is no reason not to) there is, as usual, a very very very dark side to this "cute" phenomenon.

Liz Claiborne Inc. teamed up with the National Domestic Violence Hotline and conducted a survey of teen cellphone use.  The survey, conducted by Teenage Research Unlimited, reported that "20 to 30 percent of teens who had been in relationships said their partner had constantly checked in on them, had harassed or insulted them, or had made unwanted requests for sexual activity, all via cellphones or text messages. One out of 4 reported hourly contact with a dating partner between midnight and 5 a.m. — in some cases, 30 times per hour. And 1 out of 10 had received physical threats electronically."

Even if half of that is true, it’s scary and sad.  You can just imagine a 14 year old girl, inexperienced in relationships, trying to handle this kind of overbearing behavior.  What I wonder though is WHY?  In an adult relationship we would call this emotional abuse and, often, a prelude to physical abuse.  AND I remember when I worked for a youth TV news program, doing several pieces on boyfriends abusing their teen girlfriends.  But this is so much easier to hide — and is so scarily omnipresent and unpredictable at the same time, that it just shakes you to your core.

There are days when I wonder what it’s going to take to get this man-woman thing right when even the boy-girl part is so often destructive.  And wonder, too, how we help these girls (and I suppose there are boys too) have the confidence to put a stop to it when it happens. Heavy thoughts for a snowy Tuesday.

TV GRIPES – HAVEN’T YOU HEARD?

Kids_watch_tvThis morning, as I’ve been writing, I’ve been watching a re-airing of a conference on children’s media called Beyond Prime Time, airing on C-SPAN.  Leaders of the FCC, broadcasting and mega-consolidated companies as well as kids’ advocates meeting yet again to talk about all the dangers, risks and difficulties of rearing children in the media-saturated world.  It is horrifying to think about some of the things kids see in the afternoon and early evening, from Jerry Springer to ads for horror movies to news promos "fire kills four children in the Bronx."  And that doesn’t even count the just plain trashy programming designed with kids in mind.  Or the sexism, violence, overt sexuality and generally demented stuff that passes for entertainment. 

I worked most of my life in TV news and loved what we were able to offer.  Today most news cares more about Anna Nicole Smith than riots in the streets of Jerusalem; more about missing coeds than cuts in the loans that get kids to college in the first place.  And that doesn’t count what airs in the entertainment venue. 

The thing is, I don’t think Americans require the ridiculous material polluting early TV hours.  Polls too consistently demonstrate a parental desperation about media; in my experience the lowering of standards emerges from taking the line of least Resistance – the safest, ickiest material.  The Jordan McDeere character on Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip turned down garbage and almost lost her job; now she’s in a fight to the death with a new, reality programming exec.  Unlike The West Wing, Aaron Sorkin isn’t going to let us pretend things are better in the TV version in this show.

None of this is new, I guess, but it just kills me that we are still having these conferences and there is still garbage all over the air.  And the cavalier attitude regulators have shown toward the media consolidation that makes these things so tough to resist hasn’t been any help either. They spend hours trashing the media but won’t take the hard positions to make things better.

There is probably not ONE original thought in this whole post but I feel better.

MORE BLOGGER ETHICS THOUGHTS

Women_and_workjpg THIS IS FROM MORRA’S  VERY FINE AND ALWAYS THOUGHTFUL WOMEN AND WORK BLOG, IN A POST ENTITLED:  "With all due respect Cindy."  Comments are closed on this post so I’m quoting her post here and then posting a response. 

MORRA:  "First off, I don’t have a Typekey account, so I am going to do a trackback instead.
Cindy Samuels, who is brilliant, is wrong on this post:"
“One of my favorite bloggers sent me a note asking my opinion about a service that pays bloggers to  write about client products.  It’s not secret, the writers disclose their contracts.  Even so, I told her that as an old newsie, I thought that, unless she was desperate for money, she shouldn’t go near the idea.  WHY?”
AFTER THE QUOTE, SHE ADDED"Journalists do endorsements, why can’t I? Not that anyone’s asking, of course."

Morra, who unlike me really IS brilliant, asks a fair question.  But I don’t think reputable journalists endorse products.  They don’t do commercials and use their own language to sell products.  If they are busy selling in the context of their coverage – or we are, in the context of our blogs, then why should anyone believe us about anything?  How do they know which things are paid for and which are not?  When is a blog a blog and when does it become solely a marketing tool? 

I may be showing my age, since I was trained as a reporter long ago, but I shudder to think of the consequences of putting PAID ad copy into a post.  Let’s keep this conversation going – I respect Morra too much to do anything but think harder about this…..

USE BASIC NEWS ETHICS AND HELP SAVE BLOGGING

Dollars_2 One of my favorite bloggers sent me a note asking my opinion about a service that pays bloggers to  write about client products.  It's not secret, the writers disclose their contracts.  Even so, I told her that as an old newsie, I thought that, unless she was desperate for money, she shouldn't go near the idea.  WHY?

Understand, this is NOT selling ads on your blog or being part of a syndicate like BlogHer, my favorite entity on the planet, or Federated Media, founded by the amazing John Battelle.  That's an advertiser paying for a separate, discrete place on the page.

This entity, and others far more insidious, including sub-rosa corporate and political efforts, threaten the credibility of the writer and, even more important, of the medium.  I was reminded of this after reading a speech on the dangers faced by legitimate blogs and bloggers, given by the early Internet pioneer Jason Calacanis.  In it he reminds us what happened to e-mail because of spammers and urges bloggers to fight such developments in our thrilling new medium.  Here's what he says about what spammers did to e-mail "Many of you built this city — this trusted medium — with hard work and good intentions.  Then, along come the spammers, and they piss in the well, ruining it for all of us."

Yeah I know it's a real guy image but the fact remains, there's a thin line between talking about or reviewing material and taking money to sell it.  Usually, by the way, not what it would cost to reach the same people some other way.  And almost inevitably, taking blogging closer to the diminished credibility so much a part of my former world of "mainstream journalism.  

SIM SHALOM (Grant Peace)

Another_motherMy friend Cooper, who helped so many people in the days after Hurricane Katrina continues her deep, principled search for good.  She’s posted a meditation on the resurrection of Another Mother for Peace and her hope that moms can make the difference in bringing us closer to an end to war.

Rather than comment here, I send you to my comment on her site.  As usual she is insightful and hopeful — take a look and then move down to what I said there — which best sums up my less optimistic view.  I do know that if Cooper has anything to do about it, my pessimism will be misplaced.  If you haven’t been to her blog, go there even if this issue isn’t what speaks to you.

WINE, WOMEN AND PLAY DATES (Yeah I’m late on this)

Wine_and_playdates I must have been one of the last people on the planet to hear about this ruckus — a profile of mothers together at the swing set, pushing the kids with glasses of wine in hand.  As I read in Her Bad Mother, the story appeared on my old alma mater THE TODAY SHOW, where I worked for nine proud and happy years.  I don’t know whether I’m more upset with the content of the story, the reaction or the fact that TODAY is, generally, so much less substantial than it was when I worked there.  ADD THIS: I just read most of the back story to all this at the source:  Melissa Summers’ Suburban Bliss.  If even part of it is true (and I have no reason to doubt any of it) then it’s far more a scandal about television than it is about drinking and moms.  PLEASE READ THIS.  It also includes links to many comments on the matter.

As I said before I read Melissa’s very troubling post, "This story looked unbalanced to me – at least the video did, so I was glad to learn from Jenn Satterwhite’s Mommy Bloggers post that TODAY is planning a follow-up on Friday."  In the mean time take a look at what Catherine (Her Bad Mother) and others (Google Blog Search turned up dozens of posts) have had to say about this.  I want to watch the follow-up before I say anything.  I lived around bad alcohol issues at one point in my life and am very sensitive to the issue so am remaining silent for now.

PLEASE COMMENT though if you have thoughts about this.

ALL MY LIFE’S A CIRCLE, SUNRISE TO SUNDOWN…

A_girls_blurThese little girls are dancing at their cousin Judah’s Bar Mitzvah. It happened Saturday and was quite wonderful. At a service that morning Judah read the entire portion of the Torah – long and intricate – in Hebrew in a loud, confident voice. As he finished, the 12 and 13-year-old boys who are his friends stormed down the center aisle of the synagogue to congratulate him and shake his hand – recognizing and celebrating his new status.

Once again, I was struck by the value of religious observances to give our lives shape and meaning – and by how much this simple fact still astonishes me. The rite of passage — an adolescent reading from the Torah before the congregation, is fraught with meaning. It’s an acknowledgement of impending adulthood and, even more critically, of entry into the covenant among the Jewish people. I love it.

Each part of the day was tied to learning (another lesson on this journey – you don’t study, you “learn”. ) A talk by the young Bar Mitzvah on the Torah portion he had just read, talks during lunch and through the afternoon, by uncles, cousins and more. At the evening party, father and son spent close to an hour talking through the final part of a complicated set of writings. Throughout, we were reminded that great though parties and presents might be, what matters most is the move toward becoming, each day, a better and holier person.

As we listened to the teaching, father and son trading riffs on the material, a friend, sitting beside me, leaned over and said “You aren’t as far as you think from all this. Your great grandparents, and mine, were doing this. And now you’ve returned to it.” Blew me away.

A_boys_playThis beautiful day, and the loving, welcoming family that had included us in their celebration, offered a great privilege. Together we welcomed a new member of tribe, celebrated his family and shared their pride. Dancing, singing and, with delight, watching everyone spinning through the music and happiness, we reminded ourselves, and one another, of a treasured heritage – one that this young man’s celebration joins as the next link in the chain.