{"id":4349,"date":"2016-05-05T10:13:39","date_gmt":"2016-05-05T17:13:39","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.cynthiasamuels.com\/blog\/?p=4349"},"modified":"2016-05-04T10:20:03","modified_gmt":"2016-05-04T17:20:03","slug":"big-birthday-memory-10-greys-anatomy-bruce-springsteen-memory-and-me","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/cynthiasamuels.com\/blog\/2016\/05\/05\/big-birthday-memory-10-greys-anatomy-bruce-springsteen-memory-and-me\/","title":{"rendered":"Big Birthday Memory #10: Grey’s Anatomy, Bruce Springsteen, Memory and Me"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"Fade<\/a><\/p>\n

NOTE: As I approach my 70th birthday, I\u2019ll reprise a milestone post here each day until the end of May. Today \u2013 from April 23, 2007.<\/em><\/p>\n

Research shows that I\u2019m hardly alone in this, but I have a deep and abiding fear of disappearing into the fog that is Alzheimer\u2019s disease<\/a>.\u00a0 I\u2019m approaching my 61st birthday, which, these days, is young.\u00a0 Horrible to contemplate, but NOT old.\u00a0 Actually even for the last generation it\u2019s not much \u2013 my dad lived to be 78 and my mom 80.\u00a0 So even in WWII generation terms, I\u2019d have a good crack at at least 20 more years.\u00a0 And when I think about dying I really worry more about the sadness of those I love than anything else.\u00a0 No one wants her life to be over, but unlike many of my friends, including those far younger, I\u2019m not terrified.<\/p>\n

Alzheimer\u2019s is different though.\u00a0 If you read the statistics<\/a>, the odds are pretty scary for all of us.\u00a0 Today the New York Times reports<\/a> (actually I think a little late \u2013 if you don\u2019t have Times Select try this story on amNewYork<\/a>) on a new awareness program by the Alzheimer\u2019s Association<\/a>.\u00a0 Here\u2019s the video<\/a>(short.)\u00a0 That\u2019s good.
\n\"Azheimers_kate_burton_j\"<\/a>\"Kate_and_meridith_3\"<\/a><\/p>\n

It even includes Kate Burton, Meridith Grey\u2019s mother (Grey\u2019s Anatomy<\/a> for those of you not (Grey\u2019s Anatomy<\/a> for those of you not addicted already.)\u00a0 Her character, in a series of almost unbearable episodes, suffered from Alzheimer\u2019s.\u00a0 There is so much written about this disease and the risk to our nation\u2019s future, one person at a time, but if the documents are to be believed research is far behind potential.<\/p>\n

As usual it\u2019s a question of money.\u00a0 And I know I should care about that.\u00a0 I guess I do.\u00a0 But what\u2019s tougher for me is to face, almost daily, the small memory losses and forgetful moments of aging and not fear that they are all connected to the disease.\u00a0 People my age even joke about it \u2013 calling it \u201cold timer\u2019s\u201d disease or \u201csenior moments\u201d but all it is is awful.\u00a0 To lose a word, see know the star of a classic film and not be able to retrieve the name, work a crossword puzzle (recommended to maintain brain \u201cmuscles\u201d and besides I love them) and KNOW the missing word somewhere in your brain \u2013 but no place where you can get to it\u2026. it\u2019s all terrifying.<\/p>\n

Think about it.\u00a0 Spouses who\u2019ve shared years of generating memories suddenly seeing you lose yours; knowing daily that your access to those moments is disappearing.\u00a0 Children who\u2019ve struggled to build strong and independent lives burdened with the emotional obligations created by a wasting disease in a parent.\u00a0 Friends self-conscious and uneasy on visits they know they should make \u2013 if they even have the strength to make them.\u00a0 Can you imagine anything worse \u2013 except the painful, protracted ending that cancer often brings?<\/p>\n

As I write this, random thoughts wander through my mind.\u00a0 Most dominant are lyrics from a Bruce Springsteen (of course) song.<\/p>\n

I don\u2019t wanna fade away, Oh I don\u2019t wanna fade away, Tell me what can I do what can I say, Cause darlin\u2019 I don\u2019t wanna fade away.<\/em><\/p>\n

Yeah it\u2019s about the end of a love affair but it\u2019s playing in my head as a kind of Alzheimer\u2019s anthem so you have to listen too.<\/p>\n

The other things are really corny but right now I think I need to be corny.\u00a0 This one is part of what we read at the beginning of our wedding almost 36 years ago:\u00a0 In the time of your life, live\u2014so that in that wondrous time you shall not add to the misery and sorrow of the world, but shall smile to the infinite delight and mystery of it.\u00a0 It\u2019s from William Saroyan\u2019s play The<\/em> Time of Your Life.<\/em><\/p>\n

The other is from Our Town<\/em>.\u00a0 And I know it\u2019s old fashioned and sentimental.\u00a0 But as I look this terror in the eye, I know it\u2019s what I have to do to keep it at bay.<\/p>\n

Emily<\/strong><\/a>: Do any human beings ever realize life while they live it?\u2013every, every minute?
\nStage Manager<\/a><\/strong>: No. Saints and poets, maybe\u2013they do some.<\/p>\n

I guess the answer to all this is to aim for the saints and the angels.\u00a0 Nothing is going to prevent the future from happening; not faith, not love, not Hogwart\u2019s magic, not even the miraculous gift of children.\u00a0 So each day I need to be as present as I can.\u00a0 Whatever happens it\u2019s a blow against the unknown and a prayer of gratitude for the privilege of being present and aware.<\/p>\n