{"id":1240,"date":"2009-12-18T11:08:29","date_gmt":"2009-12-18T11:08:29","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.cynthiasamuels.com\/blog\/2009\/12\/18\/its-very-hard-to-be-married-this-is-no-headline-but-the-sunday-new-york-times-on-december-13th-carried-a-meditation-on-marr\/"},"modified":"2014-03-15T21:08:27","modified_gmt":"2014-03-15T21:08:27","slug":"its-very-hard-to-be-married-this-is-no-headline-but-the-sunday-new-york-times-on-december-13th-carried-a-meditation-on-marr","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/cynthiasamuels.com\/blog\/2009\/12\/18\/its-very-hard-to-be-married-this-is-no-headline-but-the-sunday-new-york-times-on-december-13th-carried-a-meditation-on-marr\/","title":{"rendered":"New Years and Long Marriages: How Have We Done It?"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"WEDDING<\/a><\/p>\n

It’s very hard to be married.\u00a0 This is no headline. \u00a0But the Sunday New York Times<\/em> on December 13th carried a piece by David\u00a0Sarasohn; a meditation on marriage<\/a>,<\/span> moving from the first
\nlines:\u00a0 “I have been married forever.\u00a0 Well, not since the\u00a0Big Bang but since the Nixon administration \u2014 35 years \u2014 a stretch long enough\u00a0to startle new acquaintances or make talk-show audiences applaud<\/em>” to\u00a0the last.<\/p>\n

As you may deduce from the hair, we too married during the\u00a0Nixon years, and we too are still together. We were married on September 12,1971 and have survived more than 38 years of complicated marriage about which\u00a0I’ve written <\/span><\/a>before<\/span><\/a>.\u00a0 So why now?<\/p>\n

Well, first of all because my husband asked me to write\u00a0it.\u00a0\u00a0 Just to see what came out, I think.\u00a0 How did we do\u00a0it?\u00a0 How are we still doing it?\u00a0 Oh – and why have we bothered? \u00a0We’ve seen friends split over much less than what we’ve faced, so what was\u00a0different?<\/p>\n

Here’s Mr. Sarasohn’s theory:<\/p>\n

I am somewhat better with words than my wife is; she is\u00a0<\/em>infinitely better with people. In different ways, we translate each other to\u00a0<\/em>the rest of the world, and admire each other\u2019s contrasting language skills.\u00a0<\/em>Being married to someone you respect for being somehow better than you keeps\u00a0<\/em>affection alive. That this impressive person chooses you year after year makes\u00a0<\/em>you more pleased with yourself, fueling the kind of mutual self-esteem that can\u00a0<\/em>get you through decades.<\/em><\/p><\/blockquote>\n

Not bad. I know we’ve been all over the world and\u00a0I would never have had the nerve with out him; he is the one who was probably\u00a0an airplane in a previous life.\u00a0 And that we met an extraordinary number\u00a0of wonderful people because of the work he chose to do.\u00a0 And that he\u00a0pushed me to write my book and never expected me to be anything but a working\u00a0mom.\u00a0 And among psychoanalysts in Manhattan in the 70s and 80s that was\u00a0pretty amazing. \u00a0OH and he shoved and pushed and pulled me to spend money\u00a0on myself once in a while, which was very hard for a girl from a\u00a0Depression-scarred background. \u00a0I know he’s got his own list for me as well.<\/p>\n

Of course we’ve faced plenty of though stuff too.\u00a0 His chronic illness is\u00a0a rotten burden and one that has colored much of our time together.\u00a0 And\u00a0we’ve had professional and financial crises, and moved from Washington to Palo\u00a0Alto to New York to another apartment in New York to Los Angeles to another house\u00a0in Los Angeles to Washington and another house in Washington.\u00a0 <\/em>We’ve\u00a0had some challenges as parents and as partners, other health issues including open-heart\u00a0surgery, loss of our parents and very tough moments even now.\u00a0 But leaving\u00a0– that was never an option. \u00a0We have many young friends who wonder at the
\nfact that we are still together and it’s one of the few times I feel a distance
\nfrom them. I’m so aware that it’s something you know<\/em> more than you say<\/em>, despite the beauty
\nand wisdom of the Sarasohn piece and despite my efforts here.<\/p>\n

Once my dad told me that he was sure we’d never be divorced; we\u00a0were both too stubborn.\u00a0 I guess that’s true too, but it takes more than\u00a0that. \u00a0We are never ever bored with each other. \u00a0We share basic\u00a0values that we’ve been able to pass on to our kids even though we may have
\ndiffered on the details. \u00a0We trust each other. \u00a0We have fun – and\u00a0now, day-by-day, we share a history.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

A collected set of joint memories is not a small thing. \u00a0I\u00a0always say it’s like quitting smoking – every day you accumulate increases the\u00a0value of the commitment. \u00a0Just this morning, listening to the blizzard\u00a0weather predictions, I recalled an orange outfit we had bought our toddler in
\nParis more than thirty years ago. \u00a0“Remember the orange snowsuit we bought Josh in au Printemps<\/span><\/a>?” I asked him. \u00a0He smiled in fond recollection and said\u00a0“Yeah, but it was Galeries Lafayette<\/span><\/a>.” \u00a0There are a\u00a0lifetime of those moments.<\/p>\n

That was, by the way, the same trip where Josh\u00a0stared up at the Winged Victory of Samothrace <\/span><\/a>towering at the\u00a0top of the main staircase\u00a0in the Louvre and said “pigeon.”<\/p>\n

I’m telling you these small memories for a reason. \u00a0The\u00a0big things are cool too – watching a son get married, fancy parties with\u00a0high-profile people, trips around the country and around the world. \u00a0But\u00a0within and surrounding the gigantic are those moments that make a marriage,
\ntiny and still; a quiet loving word from a son, or the sharing of a meal he has\u00a0prepared, the deck of a beach house while the sun goes down, wonder at a great\u00a0performance or a great meal shared. \u00a0For the two of us, 38 years of those trump the\u00a0aggravation and the stressful moments.<\/p>\n

Frighteningly, I’m about to turn the age I always thought a\u00a0subject for humor – after all, there is even a song.<\/p>\n

When I get older, losing my hair,
\nMany years from now.
\nWill you still be sending me a valentine
\nBirthday greetings bottle of wine?<\/p>\n

\nIf I’d been out till quarter to three
\nWould you lock the door?
\nWill you still need me, will you still feed me,
\nWhen I’m sixty-four.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

We knew each other when this song was still part of FM rotation \u2013 when we counted our ages in fewer than half those years. Between then and now, more has happened than I can describe \u2013 both in the \u201coutside world\u201d and in our home. And I know the answer to the question. Yes \u2013 from me and from him. When we’re sixty-four and, God willng, long after that.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

It’s very hard to be married.\u00a0 This is no headline. \u00a0But the Sunday New York Times on December 13th carried a piece by David\u00a0Sarasohn; a meditation on marriage, moving from the first lines:\u00a0 “I have been married forever.\u00a0 Well, not since the\u00a0Big Bang but since the Nixon administration \u2014 35 years \u2014 a stretch long … Continue reading New Years and Long Marriages: How Have We Done It?<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":false,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","default_image_id":0,"font":"","enabled":false},"version":2}},"categories":[3,4,42,7,8,98,78,52],"tags":[192,342,347,344,339,343,275,346,341,3419,340,345],"class_list":["post-1240","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-aging","category-baby-boom","category-family","category-life","category-music","category-religion","category-travel","category-weblogs","tag-aging-2","tag-fidelity","tag-getting-older","tag-husband","tag-long-marriage","tag-loyalty","tag-marriage","tag-senior","tag-staying-married","tag-travel","tag-when-im-sixty-four","tag-wife"],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/p4gBq8-k0","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/cynthiasamuels.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1240","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/cynthiasamuels.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/cynthiasamuels.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/cynthiasamuels.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/cynthiasamuels.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=1240"}],"version-history":[{"count":3,"href":"https:\/\/cynthiasamuels.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1240\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":1905,"href":"https:\/\/cynthiasamuels.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1240\/revisions\/1905"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/cynthiasamuels.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=1240"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/cynthiasamuels.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=1240"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/cynthiasamuels.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=1240"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}