Blogging Boomers Carnival #122: Health, Travel, Books and Marriage

Midlife crisis queen logo in header2 (2)I'm a day late because I'm in London and time is mysterious still, but this week's Blogging Boomers, at Midlife Crisis Queen, is worth waiting for. From what to pack to how to stay healthy, it's got its usual menagerie of interesting stuff. Take a look and you'll see what I mean.

Robert S. McNamara: Did His Atonement Suffice or Did He Just Outlive Our Anger?

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It's hard to understand the role of Robert McNamara and feelings toward him, particularly during the Johnson Administration, but if you think "Dick Cheney during the Bush years" and multiply, you'll come closest.  McNamara, who died today, was one of the great villains of my 20's and 30's.  Secretary of Defense, a major architect of the Vietnam War and defender of the ideas behind it, he supported both Kennedy and Lyndon Johnson in their attempts to "save democracy" there.   He entered the new Kennedy Administration in a blaze of glory just five weeks after being named, and then resigning as, president of the Ford Motor Company.   A supremely successful and confident executive (who opposed production of the much-reviled Edsel), he seemed a creative and promising choice.

What he became was a symbol of all that seemed wrong with American foreign policy, especially in Vietnam,(including the "domino theory" claiming that if Vietnam "fell" other nations in the region would fall as well) and one of the subjects of the landmark book about this foreign policy team, David Halberstam's The Best and the Brightest. In addition to the vast, deep anger at the direction of the war and the philosophy that defined it, McNamara and all he represented reminded us daily of what we saw as both the arrogance of the US decision to enter and remain part of the war in Vietnam and our conviction that we were being manipulated, spied upon and lied to.

Paul Hendrickson's The Living and the Dead best described McNamara's impact by visiting the stories of five people affected by the war.  Here's an excerpt from the first part of the book; it looks long,  but you'll be glad you've read it:

In the Winter of 1955

His
wife wasn't drinking milk with her Scotch in the hope her stomach might
hurt a little less – not then. A man bearing a child hadn't set himself
on fire below his Pentagon window – not yet. A wigged-out woman hadn't
stolen up behind his seat in an outdoor cafe in the Kodak winter sun of
Aspen to begin shrieking there was blood on his hands. (He was applying
ketchup to his hamburger.) A Viet Cong agent – his name was Nguyen Van
Troi — hadn't been found stringing fuses beneath a Saigon bridge he
was due to pass over. Odd metaphors and strange turns of phrase weren't
seeping from him like moons of dark ink. His pressed white shirts
weren't hanging loose at his neck. He wasn't reading Homer late at
night in an effort to compose himself. His dyslexic and ulcerated son
hadn't been shown in a national newsmagazine with his ropes of long
hair and kindly face reading aloud a list of war dead at the San
Francisco airport. Reputed members of an organization called the
Symbionese Liberation Army didn't have stored in a Berkeley garage some
crudely drawn but surprisingly detailed descriptions of the interior
and exterior of his resort home in Snowmass, along with thumb-nail
sketches of members of his family. (WIFE: name unknown to me. She is
small, not outstanding in appearance & probably not aggressive. .
.") He hadn't stood in the Pentagon briefing room in front of his
graphs and bar-charts to say with perfect seriousness, "So it is
fifteen percent of ten percent of thirteen-thirtieths that have been in
dispute here. . ." He hadn't stood on the tarmac at Andrews, at the
rollaway steps of his blue-tailed C-135, before winging to a high-level
CINCPAC meeting in Honolulu, and told another tangle of lies into a
tangle of microphones, made more artfully disingenuous statements to
the press boys, this time about the kind of forces – which is to say,
combat forces – soon to be shipped to the secretly escalated war. ("No,
uh, principally logistical support — arms, munitions, training,
assistance.") He hadn't hunched forward in his field fatigues at a news
conference in Saigon and said, as though trying to hug himself, and
with only the slightest belying stammers, "The military operations have
progressed very satisfactorily during the past year. The rate of
progress has exceeded our expectations. The pressure on the Viet Cong,
measured in terms of the casualties they have suffered, the destruction
of their units, the measurable effect on their morale, have all been
greater than we anticipated" — when, in fact, the nations chrome-hard
secretary of defense had already given up believing, in private, a long
while ago, that the thing was winnable in any military sense. The
president of the United States hadn't called him up to yell, "How can I
hit them in the nuts, Bob? Tell me how I can hit them in the nuts!" —
the them being little men in black pajamas in a skinny curve of an
unfathomable country 10,000 miles distant. He hadn't yet gone to this
same president and told him he was afraid of breaking down. The
expressions "body count" and "kill ratio" and "pacification" and
"incursion" hadn't come into the language in the way snow — to use
Orwell's image — falls on an obscene landscape. The casualty figures
of U.S. dead and missing and wounded hadn't spumed, like crimson
geysers, past the once unthinkable 100,000 mark. Nor had this man risen
at a luncheon in Dean Rusk's private dining room at the state
department (it happened on February 27, 1968, forty-eight hours before
he left office) and, without warning, begun coming apart before Rusk
and dark Clifford and Bill Bundy and Walt Rostow and Joe Califano and
Harry McPherson, telling them between stifled sobs, between what
sounded like small asphyxiating noises, between the bitter rivers of
his cursing, that the goddamned Air Force, they're dropping tonnage on
Vietnam at a higher rate than we dropped on Germany in the last part of
World War II, we've practically leveled the place, and what's it done,
nothing, a goddamned nothing, and Christ here's Westmoreland asking for
another 205,000 troops, ifs madness, can't anybody see, this thing has
to be gotten hold of, it's out of control I tell you. . .

No.

None of this.

Not yet.

It all lay waiting in the decades up ahead.

Pretty amazing, huh? Those are just a few of the moments that informed McNamara's War years, and mine. And the engendered the rage, the hateful things yelled at marches, the weeping, the tear gas, the chaos and the fear. And McNamara knew it. He spent much of the rest of his life trying to atone for those years, first by leading the World Bank in its sunnier years and urging America and the world to help the starving and the lost. At least once, he broke down at a major appearance as he described the world misery the Bank sought to abate. Later, he collaborated on a book, Argument Without End, that struggled to understand and, some claim, apologize for, the war. 

As many of the obits noted, especially that on TIME's website, ("Robert McNamara dies, no escape from Vietnam") for many, next to LBJ, McNamara was the war.  And as Hendrickson's book noted, he haunted those directly affected by the war even more than the rest of us. 

Somehow though, it's difficult to retain rage as ideas soften and history teaches us more about times we lived when we were young.  I remember that when Nixon died a friend called to talk about it.  I wasn't home, and she said to my son "What really makes me mad is that I think he outlived our anger."  I'm still trying to figure out if that's how I – we – will feel about this death.  McNamara certainly tried to both understand and to atone for Vietnam but the damage of that war, up until today, remains.  As I've written before, since Vietnam, every national campaign including the last one, and, you can be sure, any one that Sarah Palin runs in the future, is informed by – colored by – sometimes defined by – what happened then.  President Obama has certainly blunted the culture wars, generational change will absolutely change many issues, especially related to gender rights, but I wonder…  When the right gets mad – gets desperate – they can easily reignite the culture wars that were the bi-product of the Vietnam era.  And Robert McNamara is responsible for those, too.

I don't know.  Really, I don't.  But I'm ending with this Charlie Rose interview with McNamara from 1995.  Take a look.  There's more of the whole man here.  The question is now much he deserves, after what the Defense Secretary in him did, to expect us to think about all the rest.

Days Before a Son Marries; Mothers-in-Law Get Jittery Too

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These two sweeties will be married on Sunday.  One of them is my son.  My first born.  My baby.  I don’t know why I’ve been so reluctant to write about it; it’s a beautiful relationship and a joyous moment in all of our lives. But I have been silent, or almost so, about it for some time.  Can’t seem to let myself write.  My sweet friend Karin Lippert, noting my cryptic tweet, wrote:

Congratulations… mixed emotions are the new normal, the new black? No, we have all always had overwhelming,wonderful emotions about our kids…

She’s right, I guess.  The mix isn’t between wishing well and not so well, it’s between joy and respect for the place these two have found together in the world, and my profound sense of time passing, and of change.  I’ll keep you posed when I can.

You’re Doing What? Trains, Planes and Automobiles (and Us)

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It's pouring in Chicago.  We arrived early this morning at the end of Phase One of our Great Adventure.  So you don't feel uninformed, here's the story:

  1. Our son is getting married next Sunday in San Francisco.
  2. My husband has a (we hope recently repaired) detached retina and can't fly until we know the repair worked.
  3. If we had waited until we were sure the surgery was successful, it would have been too late to drive if we had had to. 
  4. We are already fairly broke from tuition and the slow economy so why not spend even more money and take the train? 
  5. (really 4b) it turns out that the train is very expensive. 
  6. We don't have a choice so why fret about 4a? 
  7. There were no seats on the train until Chicago. 
  8. I drove 700 miles yesterday to get us from DC to Chicago to get on the train (retina detachment makes it hard to split the driving.)
  9. Our family doesn't know we took the train because the groom was worried about his dad's eye so our early arrival will be stealthy. (don''t tell)
  10. At least all this is distracting me from the sentimental squishiness that keeps sneaking up on me. 
  11.   You are now ready to return to the present where 

Rick and I are in the Metropolitan Lounge at Union Station in Chicago waiting for the Southwest Chief.  You can see the route above.  Actually I'm more excited than annoyed – it is something we would have never done if we didn't need to.  I can't picture the accommodations – I'm betting on a cross between all those black and white thrillers where people were always chasing each other up and down the aisles and flirting in the bed-sitting rooms and who knows what.  We'll see.  Meanwhile we're in the lounge with about a billion people on an "America by Train" group, with some smoker's coughs, name tags for all, and a pretty friendly environment.  I'm too tired to be friendly though.  Unusual for me.

I will try to post this afternoon but they don't have wireless on the train (WHAAAAT????) and I'm having trouble pairing my blackberry so it's a bit sketchy.  If I can't post I'll keep a diary and post it when I can.   Wish us luck.

Boomer Chronicle #117: Plenty to Click On

Boomer Chronicles Here's this week's carnival, from the inimitable Rhea Becker at The Boomer Chronicles.  The summer seems to be bringing us plenty of original and thoughtful material, so be sure to stop by!

Playing With the Big Boys: Bruce Springsteen’s New Drummer and the Rest of Us

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Does the young drummer in this photo look familiar? He's definitely not Bruce's long-time drummer The Mighty Max Weinberg. He is, however, a Weinberg, Max's son Jay.. I learned about this from my own son, who IM'd

"Did you know that Max Weinberg's son is now the drummer for the E Street Band?  It's a great story – little coverage.  Seriously – he is 18 and no one has picked up that an ageless band now has an 18-year-old on drums."

He's right.  It's a wonderful story, for many reasons.  Just because it is, first of all.  But also because all parents love it when their kids go into the family business; at least I think they do.  That's not all, though.  To be fair, Jay is only going to tour with them when his dad has to stay in LA to help launch the new Conan O'Brien Tonight Show. Even so, there's something lovely about Bruce calling and inviting him to join the band. Anyone who's ever watched a sound check or read about Bruce knows he's got high standards; this was NOT a sentimental decision. Jay can play the drums.

So why do I love this?  A demonstration of that kind of trust by a national legend close to three times  his age is pretty impressive.  The idea of two generations on stage together as peers is an example of something that's been important to me for years: alliances across generations in all manner of venues.

I've been writing both here and on SVMoms about the tensions between Boomers and Millennials.  There is a growing stress between us.  Just a month ago I heard a young political social media genius – a serious one – mock the Boomers who claimed they helped to end the Vietnam War.  "Dead soldiers ended the war, not you guys." he said with determination.  Permutations of that attitude abound; although perhaps less so in families where parenting was respectful and strong and included a history of those times and a modest explanation of what we were trying to do.  

President Obama, whose attitudes and capabilities I admire, tends to imply that it's time to ditch, at the least, a lot of the rhetoric and style of that time.  I don't disagree.  All that I want is for those of us in my generation and the younger people whose core values we share to be free to travel across the boundaries of style and execution to be allies and friends rather than adversaries.  That kind of sharing emerges from respect in both directions, from engaging younger people more as peers than acoytes.  That's what the Obama campaign did, and look what happened.

I've been fortunate, because of my relationship with my sons, because I've worked in the Internet world for ten years — so much with younger people, and because I am part of a community full of young families, to be able to do the same.  But the divisions are growing for many of us, and they're sad.

So when Bruce, who has so often spoken for so many, crosses two-thirds of his life to, at 60+, add an 18-year-old drummer to his band, it's an example and a message for which I am grateful.  No one who knows his music would ever think he would add a drummer to send a message; he takes his music, and his fans, too seriously for that.  He is, however, reminding us all that, 18 or 80 – talent, music, dreams, ideas, faith or fun, the walls need not be so high.  Whether it's campaigning for a candidate, working for women's rights, writing a poem, cooking a meal, building a house, growing tomatoes or making music, we are all pooer for the walls we build, and richer for the gifts we share. 

Blogging Boomers Carnival #116: From 401(K)s to Folk Art

Carnival Welcome to the 116th Carnival of Boomer Blogs.  This crew has been a joy and a great resource for as long as I've been privileged to be part of it, and this week is no exception.  Given the economy and all, let's start with John Agno of So Baby Boomer.  John, always wise, warns us this week that early withdrawals from Individual Retirement Accounts and 401 (K) plans are a "No, No!" because they trigger taxes and penalties that can really add up.  Good advice, no?

While we're on serious "boomer interest" topics, we'll move to Wesley Hein at LifeTwo.  This week he's writing about HBO's multi-part documentary on Alzheimer's Disease.  The underlying message is that Alzheimer's can no longer be ignored.  I've actually seem some excerpts and would concur.

That health issue is part of what makes Janet Wendy at Gen Plus "mad as hell" and she's not going to take it anymore…maybe.

On another side of the economy, let's talk business.  Andrea Sternberg at The Baby Boomer Entrepreneur asks: "With Twitter you can have conversations with a large number of people, but do these twitter conversations convert to actual sales?  That question haunts many small business Twitter users and is the main thing", Andrea says, "holding others back from giving Twitter a try."  You'll find her answer to this dilemma in her post Make Money with Twitter – Is It Possible?

Also on the business end of things: do you ever feel like a loser?  The Midlife Crisis Queen did often after she lost her job.  This is how she dealt with it.

One of our founders and leaders, Rhea Becker, reports from Boston on The Gemini Web "I can't read my favorite magazines any longer without eyeglasses.  I think they're using smaller type.  Or maybe it's just me."

 On a cheerier note, the Glam Gals (style experts for women over 40) ask, "Have you heard the true story of the woman who overcame having diabetes, while losing 100 pounds and then entered the Mrs. Idaho pageant?"  This is a must-read and inspiration story, they  tell us.  Find out more from FabulousAfter40.com.

Oh – and do you remember watching Art Linkletter?  Dina at This Marriage Thing, who loved the show Kids Say the Darndest Things shares some newly discovered gems about marriage "out of the mouths of babes."

Feeling artsy?  During her recent travels in the Florida Keys (who wouldn't love that?) Barbara Weibel at Hole in the Donut discovered Stanley Papio, whom some consider an important folk artist, while others insist he was nothing more than a welder with a yard full of junk.  Stop by and contribute to the conversation!

In the same vein, Ann at Contemporary Retirement has a video clip of some amazing sand art, crated by Ilana Yahav using just her fingers, some sand and a glass table.

One more travel contribution from Nancy Mahegan at Vaboomer. Ever want to sell everything and retire on a beach in Mexico?  Read about real people who did at Vaboomer.com,

Finally, my own contribution is a tribute to an old friend, long-time New York Times Book Review Children's Book Editor Eden Ross Lipson.  If you have children you've probably made use of her classic NY Times Guide to the Best Books for Children.  She was something special.

Blogging Boomers #114: From Travel to Dictators to Shoes!

Logo There's plenty worth checking out in this week's Blogging Boomers, and not only because it's living at the blog of one of my favorite women, boomer or otherwise, Janet Wendy Spiegel at GenPlus.  There's of travel, from road trips to Key West to Berlin, there's a review of a book about Venezuelan dictator Hugo Chavez and some deep thoughts about cool shoes.  Nobody ever accused boomers of being homogeneous, after all.  Visit GenPlus and you'll agree.

Can You Believe We’re at Blogging Boomers 112 Already? Time Flies, Eh?

Thanks to the great Barbara Weibel, you'll find this weeks Blogging Boomers Carnival at Hole in the Donut.  She's listed everything from those puzzling moments when you and your long-time companion come up with the same thoughts at the same time, to midlife relationships to stashing unused pharmaceuticals, and a lot more.  There's not a week when the carnival isn't interesting, but this one is a really wonderful combination of ideas.

G-L-O-R-I-A! Happy Birthday Gloria Steinem

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I have known Gloria Steinem for a very long time.   March 25th was her birthday and she is an amazing seventy-five years old!   I've admired her since my teens.  There used to be a magazine called SHOW, kind of a cross between Vanity Fair and New York Magazine.  In 1963, when I was a senior in high school, Gloria published a piece there called "I Was a Playboy Bunny."  Describing her three weeks as an "undercover" Bunny, the piece launched her career.  I remember saying something half derogatory about it — remember I was 17 — and my mother saying to me "You're just jealous."  She was right.  What a great job, what an elegant woman, offers from magazines, everything I was determined to have for myself – she'd done it.  If she could get out of Toledo, I could get out of Pittsburgh.  (I did.)

I've had my eye on her ever since and as she helped to lead all of us out of the wilderness I felt a special ownership since we  both attended Smith College.  In those years, as I became more involved in what would be called the Second Wave of Feminism, Gloria was a spearhead for most of it.  In fact, I once told a colleague of hers, a well-respected writer herself, how much I admired her.  Her response "The way you feel about me?  That's how I feel about Gloria."  

On the tenth anniversary of Ms. Magazine, which Gloria had helped to found, I produced a series for  The Today Show .  For one segment, a camera crew and I followed her on a day-long trip to Philadelphia to make a speech.  That was when I realized that her role was larger, and more personal, than I had understood. 

Here's what happened:  We got on the Metroliner in Penn Station and a woman came up to us to tell Gloria how she had changed her life.    We arrived in Philadelphia and, right in the station, another women did the same.  So it was all through the day.  At the evening event, she could barely make her way through the room as an endless stream of women approached to thank her, express admiration, just talk to her.  Through all of it, woman after woman after woman, she was unfailingly courteous and engaged.  Each was the only one she was talking to.  None was made to feel out of place or inappropriate.  I don't know about you, but that's tough for a public person to do; Gloria has done it for years.  In other words, she wasn't leading Feminism, she was being Feminism.

It's been like that ever since.  In the public eye or out, hugely famous or less famous, she's always been there to keep the focus where it belongs and carry us further toward equality, and it's always been about all of us, not her.  It's been an honor to know her, even a little bit, and to see personally that she's not just a fine leader, she's a fine person.  Happy Birthday Gloria (a little bit late). We're lucky to have you.