Aging – Page 14 – Don't Gel Too Soon

FORTY YEARS AGO IN 1968: BOBBY KENNEDY AND WHAT CAME AFTER

By the time Robert Kennedy decided to run for President, in March of 1968, just days after Eugene McCarthy’s great New Hampshire primary showing demonstrated President Lyndon Johnson’s weakness and the real unpopularity of the Vietnam war, I was already neck-deep in McCarthy’s campaign. I’d been involved since the summer before, in what, before McCarthy agreed to run, we called Dump Johnson. When Allard Lowenstein (himself assassinated in 2000), recruited us for it at the 1967 National Student Association (NSA) meeting, he’d say "You can’t beat somebody (LBJ) with nobody." So he had worked very hard to get Bobby to run, but he refused.

It was Gene McCarthy who agreed to stand for all of us against the Johnson administration and the war. After NSA I organized the Smith campus. We were among the first students to go each weekend to New Hampshire to work for McCarthy and against the war. So when Kennedy announced, just days after our great New Hampshire triumph, that he would also run, we were devastated, and angry.

Over the months of campaigning though, I came to have enormous respect for Senator Kennedy and his campaign. There was no way to watch him without feeling the power of his connection with all kinds of Americans and his compassion, poetry and sense of justice. This moment, just as an inner city Indianapolis neighborhood learned of the death of Martin Luther King, is typical of him at his best:

By June the campaign was tense; such an important issue and the two Senators were running against one another as well as (and sometimes, it seemed, instead of) the war. Kennedy won Indiana. McCarthy won Oregon. We moved south to Los Angeles(one of many places I saw for the first time from a campaign bus) criss-crossing the state from Chico to San Francisco and back to LA. Just before the midnight after the primary, as June 4, 1968, election day, became June 5, we knew we’d lost, so we went to Senator’s concession in the ballroom of the Beverly Hilton and then back upstairs to mourn. We weren’t even watching the rest of coverage. Suddenly, running through the halls of the staff floor of the hotel, one of McCarthy’s closest advisors shouted "Turn on the TV! They’ve done it again!"

Continue reading FORTY YEARS AGO IN 1968: BOBBY KENNEDY AND WHAT CAME AFTER

WEDDINGS, INDY, CARRIE BRADSHAW AND ME (SPOILER ALERT – BIG HINTS ABOUT SATC ENDING)

I went to see Sex and the City tonight with a group of women in their 20’s, much younger than Carrie, Samantha, Charlotte or Miranda. I’m older than all of them. They liked it, thought it was disorganized, or OK, or so-so or good. I loved it.

As I tried to explain why, I got strangely emotional, struggling to describe how Samantha’s 50th birthday, the remarkable relationship shared by these four friends, the happy endings and the fairy tale aura, just made me happy. It’s tough to measure the impact of experience on a life perspective, or the different perspective of those just beginning to accumulate those experiences; good friends who are young adults newly married or newly parents – still far from my place as the mother of grown sons.

This, the film’s opening weekend, saw it push Indiana Jones out of first place. I’ve complained a great deal about the latest Indy movie. My husband emailed our older son that the movie "sucked." He responded that he had loved, it, that it was just "one big comic book." Clearly, he felt the same way I’d felt about the girls of Sex and the City. As he put it, with his usual wisdom "I guess everything is a matter of perspective."

Continue reading WEDDINGS, INDY, CARRIE BRADSHAW AND ME (SPOILER ALERT – BIG HINTS ABOUT SATC ENDING)

CHARMED, AGAIN. AND PROBABLY NOT FOR THE LAST TIME

NOTICE: YOU MAY NEED INSULIN TO READ THIS – IT IS REALLY SAPPY — CONSIDER YOURSELF WARNED

Right now, I’m crying. Not just teary, crying. Right now, the third time I’ve been to this moment. It’s so embarrassing that until I complete this post I don’t even know if I’ll ever let you see it. Why such emotion on a sunny day so close to my birthday? Over a television show? The final epsiode of one that went off the air in 2006. One that’s about witches?

If, like me, you never paid much attention to CHARMED, appearing on the now-defunct and youth-oriented WB – about three sisters who are witches and who have witchy powers including, when acting together with the “power of three”, to best Ultimate Evil (I know, I know), let me tell you a bit about them. I’ve written about them before – when I first found them two years ago and again almost a year ago, after a wedding whose ritual reminded me of theirs, even though in theirs families gather from across the divide between living and dead. As I wrote then:

On my favorite guilty pleasure, Charmed, rituals of birth and marriage are attended not only by those who share the lives and loves of the Halliwell sisters (yeah they’re witches and their story spent 8 TV seasons enchanting us all) but also by those who came before. They summon, “through space and time” all members of “the Halliwell line.” Surrounded by these translucent figures of past
generations, today’s Halliwells celebrate marriages and new arrivals. Those fully and those ephemerally present conclude together “blessed be.”

What does this have to do with Jewish weddings — or any other terrestrial weddings for that matter? A lot. Eight years on the air, the longest running show with female leads, it dealt often with travel through time and space and dominions never imagined. But when really important events arose, all the magic was supplanted by a single, simple spell that basically –well — brought the family together.

I just looked the show up on Wikipedia and discovered that it went off the air on my 60th birthday – having run from October 7, 1998 to May 21, 2006. My
husband, when he’s in psychiatrist mode, talks about “anniversary reactions” – when we experience deep feelings but can’t quite figure out where they come from. Sometimes, they have to do with the occurrence of anniversaries we haven’t even noticed have arrived. In this case, though, I didn’t know the year the show ended, much less the date. In fact, I was in Paris with my family to celebrate this 60th birthday landmark on that day and didn’t even notice the demise of the long-running series. In fact, I first discovered it, in re-runs, airing as I worked in my office. I used it to keep me company (believe it or not, it’s on four hours a day – two in the morning and two in the afternoon.) Didn’t know a thing about the show or its success.

I got an earful from one of my sons when I asked though, who claimed that the show caused plenty of fights with his (then) girlfriend. Apparently, it was on at the same time as the Simpsons and every week was a negotiation.

But for me it’s somehow more than that. These three sisters, and their powers, are deeply moving. Their battles and solidarity, their humor and courage, their conviction that they could literally save the world from evil (p.s., they did) all resonated in a very weird way. Still do.

Hence the tears. The final episode, as the post-show future unfolds, feels like my own life. Endings. Loving farewells. The (hopefully) gratification of recognizing a life at least partially well-lived. The kids and their kids and an idyllic togetherness among sisters and their husbands and their children and their destiny. A lot to hope for and, I guess, as my own life moves forward, something to cry about.

SUMMER DRESSES, 60S TV, MARRIAGE, CRUMBLING BRIDGES AND OBAMA: ALL PART OF BLOGGING BOOMERS CARNIVAL #71!

This week the Carnival stops at John Agno’s So Baby Boomer. If you want to read about "green" cars, summer dresses, good marriages, TV for all us 40+ folks, our crumbling infrastructure or Barack Obama, you can get there from this inventory of our latests efforts. Take a look.

THE OBAMA LANDMARK: RACIAL ATTITUDES ON MY BIRTHDAY

Today is my 62nd birthday. It’s pretty amazing. Not only am I, while still healthy and not rickety, able to witness a Democratic primary where a white woman (for the first time) and an African-American man (for the first time) are the major Democratic Presidential candidates. Not only am I, while still healthy and not rickety, able to witness the probable nomination of the 46 year old product of an interracial marriage, who has lived outside the U.S. in the developing world, and who is running on a platform of unity and commitment to helping our country have a better future. AND who is the first candidate to sit for a video interview with BlogHer, thus demonstrating a comprehension of women who blog — and those women who read them.

Not only that. This morning, half-awake, watching C-Span footage of the Obama Iowa rally last night, I saw a nice white Iowa lady of a certain age, like the one in this photo, put one hand on either site of Obama’s face and kiss him on the forehead. And it wasn’t even a big deal.

You need to realize that in my lifetime as someone old enough to notice – probably the past 40 years — that would have been unthinkable. That a highly regarded TV drama was canceled after one season because it featured a white male and black female social worker working together and stations across the south refused to carry it. Slowly, as the Civil Rights movement brought us forward, things changed. And here, I’m really only talking about symbols – not all those individual life moments that remain so difficult for so many. I believe that when symbols change, real change will follow. And some of that appears to be true.

In September of 1967 Peggy Rusk, daughter of then Secretary of State Dean Rusk, married Guy Smith – and it was so unusual it made the cover of TIME Magazine. Which wrote this:

Resignation Offer. As recently as 1948, California law would have made the union a criminal offense in the state. Until last June, when the U.S.
Supreme Court killed Virginia’s miscegenation law, 16 states still banned interracial marriage. More to the
point, and more poignant, in a year when black-white animosity has reached a
violent crescendo in the land, two young people and their parents showed that
separateness is far from the sum total of race relations in the U.S.—that to
the marriage of true minds, color should be no impediment. Indrawn as usual,
Rusk pronounced himself “very pleased.” Clarence Smith, Guy’s father,
said simply: “Two people in love.”

That’s right – Rusk offered to resign because of the wedding – that was
how unusual it was. In the early 90s I visited a high school
near Cincinnati, OH, which was once KKK country. I was producing a “space
bridge” — a satellite conversation between high schools in Ohio and Moscow. The night
before the show I gave a reception for the families of the kids featured
in the program. As they wandered in, there in the middle of Ohio, I noticed that one couple was comprised of a white man and an African American woman. Apparently I was the only one who did though. One of the boys’ parents had divorced and his dad had married this woman who was now the kids’ stepmom. And in the middle of semi-rural Ohio, close to the Kentucky border, nobody cared. I guess you’d need to have been around for canceled TV shows and Secretaries of State offers to resign, to be so struck by what happened.

Fast forward to the Grammys, 1990, this winning song and video, with this kiss.

I guess it’s just that we forget how bad things used to be; a kiss like Neville and Ronstadt’s once could ruin both careers.

There’s lots more. But what does all this have to do with a presidential candidate? In Iowa? I don’t know why but as I watched this morning I was so struck by the changes I’ve seen in my lifetime. Probably it’s just the birthday. Whatever happens in the campaign, and I am worried about the race stuff that came out of Kentucky and West Virginia, it was a reminder that at least things are better than they were before. OH and last week I read that there has not been a white male Secretary of State in the US for 11 years! Nobody’s been yelling about that, either.

IF IT’S MONDAY IT MUST BE BLOGGING BOOMERS CARNIVAL

It’s yet another Monday morning and the Blogging Boomers have again assembled their favorite posts of the week. This time the host is my good friend and much respected sister blogger Wendy Spiegel at GenPlus. Come read about everything from how to be an "elder generation" (I continue to protest this word but I think it’s me, not the word…..) to layoffs in our 50s to good style and good marriage. As usual, Wendy proves to be a lovely host.

TO THE LIGHTHOUSE – LOVING THE JERSEY SHORE — AND A BIRTHDAY

We went to Long Beach Island, off the Jersey shore, a few weeks ago. I’ve been there often but never before May — it was still winterish there, hardly anything open and just lovely. We came with friends for my husband’s birthday — four adults and four little kids. It’s so much fun to be there with little people searching the beach for shells in their parkas and climbing all over the furniture. We took them to Barnegat Light — a 150 year old lighthouse I’ve loved since I was a kid.

It was a 20 minute walk in very cold weather, everyone excited about seeing a real live lighthouse. Somehow anything, no matter how many times you’ve seen it, looks brand new when you see it with small children. When it’s new to them, it becomes new to you too.

It was, according to my husband, a perfect birthday. Much of the credit for that goes to the friends who came with us, who wrote and performed a song for him as a gift because "you have too much stuff already" and, in so many ways have taken us into their lives with love. I just posted a meditation on being a ‘fake grandmother" on the SV Moms "over 50" blog, where I’m a new contributor. It’s such a peculiar privilege – hanging out with preschoolers in that easy way that can only happen with frequent contact.

Continue reading TO THE LIGHTHOUSE – LOVING THE JERSEY SHORE — AND A BIRTHDAY

PHONE BOOTHS, MARRIAGE, DRESSING YOUR AGE AND TAXES: BLOGGING BOOMERS CARNIVAL #69

From across the sea in the UK Ann Harrison has complied this week’s Blogging Boomers Carnival at Contemporary Retirement Strategies. It’s got everything from new tax laws to new fashion advice with plenty of other savvy ideas (including thoughts on marriage!) in between so stop by and see what’s going on!

A BIT OF BABY SHOWER WISDOM FOR MOTHERS OF TWO

Well here they are. My two boys some years ago, on a boat someplace in Germany. This photo is probably 20 years old; it’s from one of many wonderful trips covering territory all the way from Israel to Hawaii. Each was an adventure, enriched by the presence of these two little (and later bigger) boys, as were all our days. Most visitors to the baby shower know that I’m the sentimental one – not able ever to be as arch and irreverent as many of my sister bloggers. SO CONSUMER ALERT — this is mostly a riff on the treat it is to watch your two kids grow, change, interact, fight, become real friends, care for one another and grow up to travel together and meet up to go to concerts.

When I was pregnant with my second son, I was afraid that I could never love another child. The delight we felt with our first son was so complete that I wasn’t sure whether there was room in my heart for another. That summer, as we awaited his brother’s arrival, I insisted that our son, my husband and I – go to the beach to have a last vacation with "just the three of us." It was going to be tough to get used to dividing my time so I wanted one more golden moment with just one.

It was the year The Muppet Movie came out, and I remember sitting on the little deck outside the beach cabin we’d rented, my son in my lap, playing The Rainbow Song on the boom box we’d brought with us, just about overcome with emotion. Listen to it – if it doesn’t get to you I don’t know what will.

"Some day we’ll find it, the rainbow connection, the lovers, the dreams and me." So sentimental but absolutely perfect for my pregnant, hormonal self.

And then he arrived – this little, amazing, intense infant, and as soon as I saw him I knew all the worry was for nothing. Of course you can’t love an abstraction as much as a little blond sweetie who loves Kermit and Ernie and Bert — and you. Once that abstraction arrives though, he’s as real and exciting and mysterious and loving as his big brother. As each of their personalities emerged so did their differences, but each revealed a piece of them. Each individual talent and temperment and allergy and grace reminded us of the unique treasure that each of them was to us. So here are 10.5 thoughts on the question at hand – moving from one child to two:

Continue reading A BIT OF BABY SHOWER WISDOM FOR MOTHERS OF TWO

ONE IN A MILLION – EVEN IN THIS GREAT NEW GENERATION: JEN LEMEN GOES TO RWANDA

Stick with me on this — there’s a something of an introduction required.

I’ve met many remarkable women in my life. Many. I participated in and then covered the Women’s Movement of the 70’s and 80’s, known at least a little bit Betty Friedan, Gloria Steinem, members of the Our Bodies, Ourselves co-op, women in the House and Senate and Civil Rights Movement and peace movement and McCarthy campaign. Early pioneers in broadcast journalism, the women who sued the New York Times for equal pay and work, the women who led Choice activities for decades, presidents of NOW and NARAL; heroines of Ms Magazine and the Women’s Media Center — and once, Patti Smith. You get the idea. Somehow, for many my age, those are THE leaders of women’s empowerment. That’s all she wrote.

Nope.

There’s an entire new tribe now, and they are remarkable. Of course, the women of BlogHer lead the pack – their (our?) mutual respect, gifted voices and astonishing growth are a very exciting part of the 21st Century — and one member of this tribe is about to embark on a remarkable journey.

Her name is Jen Lemen. She’s going to Rwanda. I can’t begin to describe the project; read it here. But since I’m going to ask you to take part, you should know about Jen. If I can figure out how to tell you. The first time I heard her name, at last year’s BlogHer, it was being evoked from the stage by one of the founders of BlogHers Act, Cooper Munroe, in a closing discussion of the new effort to support women’s health. Jen had, in thanks and encouragement for Cooper’s (and her partner Emily’s) vision, presented her with a bracelet that said "Isn’t it amazing what one woman and her friends can do…" It’s so typical of Jen that she would find the one gift to move this human dynamo so deeply. And now, the words on that bracelet are true of Jen herself.

An artist, a doula, a poet and a gifted parent and friend, she helps people. For her it’s like breathing. And that’s why she’s going to Rwanda. One of her friends, who lived through more than any of us will even think about much less experience, comes from Rwanda. She kept telling Jen she wished she could see it. But it’s expensive to do that. Then, suddenly, from another friend, an invitation fell almost literally out of the sky. Jen and her family decided she had to accept. Since we’re talking about Jen Lemen and her equally determined friend Odette, the trip included a mission beyond tolerating an endless flight across most of the planet. And what a mission it is! A wonderful book, written by Odette and illustrated by Jen — a graphic way to help girls learn to read and believe in what we know they can do. She’s also working with HopeRevo to deliver messages of hope along with the books.

I know, I know. Messages of hope? Sounds too pre-modern for this post-post modern world. But with Jen, you have to see it to believe it and once you do, you’re hooked. By the way, that’s Odette with Jen’s daughter Madeline giving us a Girl Power salute — and if you look carefully in the background you will see the proud mommy and friend taking the photo.

If this sounds too corny for you – just take a deep breath and believe me. Jen is going to see Odette’s kids. She is going to deliver these books to help young girls learn to read. She is going to spread messages of hope. She is also probably going to do so much more than that that it defies even speculation here.

Now, since she’s raised enough money and is definitely going, think of this: with more money they can print more books. It’s a pretty painless way to help the young girls of Africa who are so often neglected. OH and every year of education of a girl in Africa raises the family standard of living exponentially; when we help Jen help the girls, we’re also helping their families. So — become a publisher – help underwrite the book and the trip and all that Jen will bring on behalf of and in honor of her friend Odette and her daughters and the girls who surround them. It will just take a second. Start right here!