Author: Cynthia Samuels

TIME PASSES: HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO A LONG-TIME FRIEND

Mudd_blurrySaturday night we went to an 80th birthday party.  It was for someone whose 43rd we’d also attended — a long time to know someone.  He’s a wonderful man with a wonderful family, and you would know his name if I wrote it here – but it was his party not mine and somehow it feels intrusive to tell you who he is. 

When I was first in the news business, he taught me a great deal.  Ever courtly and generous, excellent at what he did, he shared so much of what he knew and felt about news, politics, government and life.  With humor.  And a gentle sense of irony.  I wish I could communicate how thrilling it was to wander through the tunnels under the Senate, past the secret offices where senators met for gumbo and whiskey, around the corner called "coffin corner" because when the dead lay in state, the coffin had to be tipped vertically to get around the corner on its way to the Rotunda that was its destination — with this gifted man as my guide.

All his kids were at the party of course, along with their spouses and a ton of grandchildren.  All four kids were younger than these grandkids when they attended our wedding.  There were (very short and funny) speeches, lots of teasing, and not an ounce of pretense or artifice.  Of course, the fact that all of them were so happy to see me after our long sojourn in California and year on separate paths, made me feel great.  Even so, the great gift of this evening was that I didn’t even think of that until later.  When you share so much of life, and work, affection and high regard with someone,  you have the luxury of honoring them without obsessing about what it all means to you.  That should tell you more about him than anything. 

JEWISH SEX, HONOR AND HOLINESS

David_and_bathsheva_chagall
Sex and religion have always seemed at odds.  Stories of sexual impulsivity have been with us forever  – King David and Batsheva , Anna Karenina, , Atonement , Prince Charles, presidents, senators, preachers and ball players.  So it’s not surprising that human beings struggle to maintain heavy sexual controls within the rules of faith.  Any faith.

In a class this week though, we studied the unique textual perspective toward sex within Judaism.  The great teacher Laura Shaw Frank, about whom I’ve written before, returned for four weeks to teach the Orthodox "Laws of Family Purity" — an unfortunate term since, for me at least, the first association I make when I hear "family purity" is "racial purity."  But never mind, that’s another Atonement_movie_3
conversation. 

There are complicated laws concerning marital relations, menstruation and other issues within the intimacies of marriage and we will study them for the next three weeks.  Last night though, we began at the beginning.  What do Jewish texts tell us about the place of sex in a Jewish life?

The premise: that sex, within Jewish life, is part of the holiness of families, and serves to hold families, and traditions, together. "How can we say the "evil inclination" (sex drive) is very good?  It is to teach us that if there were no evil inclination, a man would not build a home for himself, and wouldn’t marry a woman and wouldn’t beget children.*"  The bottom line appears to be that honor, decency and institutional preservation depend upon sexual desire – which in turn, in those working to control it within themselves, leads to the creation of and adherence to civilization, marriage and family. 

Beyond that, these connections must work on three levels — the interpersonal, between man and woman (or man/man or woman/woman, but not then), the cosmic – with God – and historic – with all of the Jewish people.  Always, sex is meant to allow us to honor one another and therefore honor God.  Throughout the class I kept thinking of this — it seems to sum it all up.  A young soldier, leaving for war, trying to explain his departure to his beloved. It’s going to be interesting to see how all of this supports some of the more unusual Orthodox rules of physical intimacy.  Stay tuned.

To Lucasta, Going off to the Wars
Richard Lovelace
(1618-1658)
 
Tell me not, Sweet, I am unkind,
That from the nunnery
Of thy chaste breast and quiet mind
To war and arms I fly.
True, a new mistress now I chase,
The first foe in the field;
And with a stronger faith embrace
A sword, a horse, a shield.

Yet this inconstancy is such
As thou too shalt adore;
I could not love thee, Dear, so much,
Loved I not Honour more.

*Kohelet Rabba 3:16

ASTOUNDING JEWISH WOMEN: THE JEWISH ORTHODOX FEMINIST ALLIANCE

Jofa_sat_niteA little over ten years ago some remarkable women, all Orthodox Jews, decided that the only way to have an impact on the role that women play in worship and governance in the Orthodox world was to organize.  Under the leadership of the legendary Blu Greenberg, JOFA ( Jewish Orthodox Feminist Alliance) was born.

From the beginning of my involvement in the Orthodox community, just three and a half years ago, I’ve been urged to be part of this group.  For a long time, and still, I feel a bit under-equipped.  I can argue for change and believe in it, but I can’t cite the texts that support either current or possible future perspectives, and in Orthodoxy the texts are a big part of every Halachic (religious rules) argument.  I study quite frequently now, but compared to those who grew up in the parallel universe of Jewish day schools and have such a head start, I don’t know if I’ll ever feel confident in my knowledge.  Even so, I have spent much of this weekend at a JOFA conference here in Washington, and it has been thrilling.  And disturbing.  But thrilling.

Mekudeshet_2There was a film — Mekudeshet — about the Agunah – women whose husbands refuse to grant them a Jewish divorce.  Orthodox women, without this  Jewish divorce, or "get," can’t remarry.  Any children they may bear are illegitimate and may only marry other "children of the get."  Clearly, as in any other form of spousal abuse, it’s a control issue.  Abusive husbands, men living with new women and even with new children, can leave their wives in limbo forever.  This is one of the areas JOFA works to change.

More universal were the panels.  One, on gender roles in K-12 education, was very provocative.  In many  Jewish day schools study of religious texts moves from coed to single-sex after somewhere around the 5th grade.  Of course when we do that by choice, and call it women’s education (I went to Smith and found it enormously liberating) we appreciate the freedom to be ourselves and not be cowed by louder, deeper voices.  The difference is that in Jewish education, when genders are separated, it’s more often for holiness, the perceived gender difference in roles and the presumed "danger" women bring to distract men than it is to empower young women to learn more completely.  It’s an interesting question.  When we choose it, many of us love- and are grateful for – single-sex education.  Quite correctly, I believe, resent it bitterly when we are "banished" to the girls classes, leaving the boys behind.  Is it possible to truly assimilate what is useful for girls in studying only with one another if there’s no other choice?  Or is it always going to re-enforce the frequent sense of gender inferiority that this conference works to remove?

Jofa_aviva
My choice for the second panel was one dealing with women and text – and all the factors of interpretation that emerge as more and more women become fluent in religious texts.  You aren’t going to believe this but for a long time, women were not allowed to study many of the interpretive works, and held in a kind of limbo as far as religious learning was concerned.  Change is coming in this arena though – from the co-ed Maimonides Jewish Day School, founded in Brookline, MA in 1937 and emerging as the institution that broke the stranglehold on single-sex text Talmud study, to all the new institutions like Drisha to deeply educate women in text and religious rulings (Halacha.)   Now it’s common for women to study these works.  I go to class every Tuesday night – but it’s still considered "progressive" to offer girls (and women) equal access to all learning.

I always find it empowering, even inspiring, to attend conferences of women.  Every year my days at BlogHer are treasures that sustain me all year.  WAM!, the Woman and Media conference, has the same effect.  This one, though, was especially moving.  Brainy, funny, lively and open, these Orthodox women are working to change more than a government, an attitude or a movement.  Sustained by and committed to a faith more than 5,767 years old, observant in the laws of Kashrut and family law, they work to ensure that Jewish life will be even more meaningful, and equal, for their daughters (and sons) than it has been for them.

SAD MUSIC, GREAT BIG SEA, STONE PONIES, BEATLES – RIDING THE WAYBACK MACHINE

Great_big_sea_2
Have you ever heard a song that caught you up short and brought you almost to tears?  Boston to St. John — sung by Great Big Sea, does that to me, no matter how many times I hear it.  In fact, when we pass over St. John on the way to Europe and it shows up on the map on the little TV, I get weepy just hearing it in my head.  What is it about this romantic, acoustic song accompanied by a pipe and a guitar?  Just listen (this one has lyrics posted) – it’s a nice thing to end the week with.

I don’t think I’ll ever get over the wonder of what music has come to mean to me, again.  Of course I was a typical teen fan, and then in my college years obsessed with Bob Dylan, the Beatles, The Doors, Cream, anything by Ellie Greenwich, anything from Motown, Linda Ronstadt (especially the Stone Ponies phase) – listen to this primo girl song:

I also loved the great folkies like Pete Seeger, Arlo Guthrie, Phil Ochs, Judy Collins, Joan Baez ( oh – and Peter, Paul and Mary (need I go on?) and Simon and Garfunkel — among others.  Then I went into semi-retirement.  I made mix tapes for my kids – Good Day Sunshine, Hippy Hippy Shake, Here Comes the Sun, the Garden Song, Carolina… you name it.  And we sang a lot.  But the deep, gut-wrenching feeling you get when the music drills right to the center of your soul — that all came back more recently.  And differently.  Once, my Deadhead son asked me why I had never gone to one of their concerts.  The answer was peculiar, I guess.  I heard all my music for free at marches.  And peace rallies.  Who needed to buy tickets? 

The music was, literally, the soundtrack to my life.  Every song I hear pulls a movie into my head — me on a bus to Manhattan for a march, in a boat on Paradise Pond with my boyfriend, dancing like crazy someplace or other.  Now, though, the music seems to bring the mood to me, rather than meeting it half way.  I can be moved from zero to 60 – solid to weepy – in about one chorus.  Maybe it’s the passage of time.  Maybe it’s that I hear far more of it alone.  Maybe it’s just that much of what I listen to evokes other times in my life.  Today, driving home, I had my iPod plugged into the car radio, on random shuffle, and Pete Seeger singing All My Life’s a Circle did it. Again. 

Of course, anything from the Juno soundtrack just makes me laugh.  And lots of Bruce just makes me want to dance.  It’s not all sad stuff.  I guess I should try to figure it out, but I’d rather just think I’m newly available, or RE-newly available, to those feelings.  And be grateful for the music that brings them.

GOOD NEWS ABOUT A VA HOSPITAL. NO, REALLY

Va2_3Since I married a doctor while he was still a med student rotating from specialty to specialty, I’ve been in plenty of hospitals.  Among them, VA hospitals.  Most of those are enormously sad; dark, often smelly and grim, especially compared to private institutions.  And we all read those terrible stories about Walter Reed Medical Center.

So, much as I love our friend, (we’ll call him Fred here) I dreaded my visit to him yesterday; dreaded entering the kind of public hospital environment I knew from our years in New York.  Boy was I wrong.  The DC VA seems to be sunny, with lots of windows, very nice people, well-informed volunteers and committed and apparently knowledgeable medical staff. Even the guards were nice.  Granted, Fred is so lovable, well into his 70s, that it would be tough to be mean, or even impatient, with him, but believe me, harried hospital staff can be, well, brusque.  Not here.

I didn’t do an expose, go examine day rooms or rehab floors, food services or ICUs but from my limited exploration, and the karma in the lobby and the halls, reception by volunteers, charge nurses, orderlies, other patients and even the doctors, it was, for a hospital, a pretty good place to be.   No big news bulletins, but when there’s so much bad news out there about how our veterans are treated, this is just a little bit of the better.