Cynthia Samuels

Attachment Parents, Anxious Parents, Sanctimommies and Skinned Knees

This morning I helped to produce a conference on parenting and "over" parenting. It was designed to help anxious young parents who are often under pressure to be "better" and more attentive than their peers. They feed on each other and worry all the time, and in cases beyond my community (I don't see it here) they compete, sometimes with cruelty, to see who's the best.

If you're a "mommy blog" reader you'll see it all the time. One of my favorites is Liz Gumbinner, proprietor of Mom-101. She has a gentle, loving, yet often hilarious and almost always moving take on life as a parent. She also has a keen-eyed abhorrance for what she calls " Sanctimommies." She writes about them often, and their thoughtless comments and judgments. No matter how much we detest what they do, which is more often judgmental than well-meaning, they can get to us. They plant scary, painful doubts, especially when we are vulnerable.

I remember this torment so well. You don't want your child to feel bad. You don't want her to fall off the monkey bars. You certainly don't want him to be sad because he lost a T-Ball game and didn't get a medal or got a lower grade than the kid who sits next to him and didn't get a sticker on his paper. It's terrible. I think what's worse though is over-compensating to preserve delicate feelings.

And that's what much of this conference was aimed at. Speakers told parents that kids needed some autonomy, needed their own territory. That protecting them prevented them from learning how to solve problems and bounce back from the adversity that is part of life. They also made an interesting point that I think is controversial but tough to contradict. YES, moms and dads are both important, but dads have a different role. And mothers too often, in their frequent role as gatekeepers between the kids and daddy, set standards that are too squishy, not allowing the dads to find their own way to deal with their children.

This does not mean there is no overlap – nurturing dad and outward-facing mom. But both perspectives – female and male, have value. Many times as our kids grew up, my husband and I stopped one another from going too far in one way or the other. I wanted to send money to bail them out of a jam. My husband would remind me that if we ran to the rescue we were telling them that we didn't think they could take care of themselves. "If they really need help", he'd say, "they'll ask for it."

Other times he'd go nuclear in the punishment department or refuse permission for something perfectly acceptable because he didn't think first. That was my cue to step in and moderate things. I often thought sadly of friends raising kids alone, without this valuable balance.

I guess this is just a meditation on parenting in the 21st Century. It's painful to see wonderful parents whose instincts are sound and who love their kids get tangled up in these issues, and it was wonderful to watch the dialog today and the passions in the conversations that continued over lunch and will go forward in several after-sessions. In fact, it was very Web 2.0. The speakers may have set things off, but now they're working with one another, strengthening not only their families but also the community around them.

Behind Every Stimulus Package Are People Who Need Help

I spent part of Thursday sitting in Starbucks on the GW (George Washington University) campus after a meeting, loving being around all these students buzzing and working and laughing. I loved college; could feel my head growing. It's an amazing time in a young person's life and one that forms much of who we are later. Now, though, the carefree collegian is a thing of the past. Everyone has jobs and student loans. Instead of leaving school with a "sky's the limit" ambition, many must look first for the job that will help them pay off their loans, and only then for the one they'll really love.

Here are some stories:

When my husband graduated from medical school we had under $4,000 in loans to pay off.
One of my son's friends left undergraduate school with over $100,000 in debt
A wonderful friend who is a born teacher went to law school and then to a firm. I asked her why. She told me she would only be able to consider teaching once her loans were paid off – and they were enormous.
As I've written before, both of my parents were formed by the Depression. Each hoped for a career they were never able to pursue; instead they took the subject-related scholarships they were offered and were grateful to have them. A would-be artist became a teacher; an architect a lawyer. Neither complained overtly about this; I learned these facts in passing and both were quick to add how glad they were to have been able to go to college at all.
My sisters and I were blessed to have college paid for; we were told that our education was our inheritance and not to look for much more, which was fine with us. But most families just can't do that anymore. It's too expensive.
Many political observers posit that there would have been no anti-war movement in the 60's if college students had had to work while in school. Most of us had our tuitions taken care of; that meant that we had time to organize and raise hell.
I remember a good friend, at dinner, saying to me bitterly, "Jim and I never had time for that stuff. We were both working to get through school. You guys were so righteous but you had no idea what we were doing just to be able to stay through the semester."
I told a recent college graduate how impressed I was with what he'd accomplished. His response: " didn't do anything. Colin slept in his van for a semester because he couldn't pay both tuition and rent. Be impressed with him!"

So. This is kind of a random list but when we're arguing over stimulus packages, we need to remember the people behind them. Like these.

Hey Oscar? You Have Some Explaining to Do!

SWhen I was a kid on Oscar night, my parents made me go to bed way before the show was over, but my dad always kept a winners list for me on a shirt cardboard so I wouldn't miss anything. It seemed so important then. Without the entertainment shows like ET and Access Hollywood, the unedited Oscar acceptance speeches were one of the few times we got to see celebrities revealed. It was thrilling.

Of course, the mystique – and the Oscar TV audiences — have eroded since then. It will be interesting to see if tonights "new" Oscars – which do look better and at least are doing things with a little more wit and humor – make a difference. I'm watching as I write this – amazed that Jessica Biel, the wayward daughter from the sentimental but sweet Seventh Heaven, got to present alone – even if it was the tech awards. Who would have predicted that?

I think I'm out of touch, or I've gotten crotchety in my old age. Why? First of all, though I'm a real, loyal Woody Allen fan, I did NOT like Vicky Christina Barcelona. . Penelope Cruz was fine, but not the best. It's so sad when two nominees (like those in Doubt) are set against one another and split the vote. I'm assuming that's how Cruz won. The two women from Doubt - – Amy Adams and and Viola Davis - especially Davis, were just astonishing. Their bad luck to be opposite one another in the same category.

Meanwhile, I'm struggling to figure out how to talk about the presenters in the "best supporting"category. Goldie Hawn, whom I've always loved, just made me sad. We're nearly the same age, and she certainly looks better than I do. BUT tonight she looked so over surgeried, overstuffed into her dress, over everything. It was like she had been blown up with a bicycle pump – all swollen. BUT tonight she looked so over surgeried, overstuffed into her dress, over everything. It was like she had been blown up with a bicycle pump – all swollen. The toughest thing of all, though, is how many of this year's most honored movies were movies I really didn't like.

I've written before about Slumdog. I probably should have known I wouldn't love it; I wanted to see it too much. It's sweet and explores the poverty and misery in India, but it just didn't do it for me. Too neat, too pat, And, to me, terribly manipulative. As I said, Vicky Christina Barcelona was disappointing too, shallow and silly. I'm also ornery about the show itself. I actually loved the musical numbers- long or not, even though everybody on Twitter was complaining about them. Probably showing my age.

Anyway, the show was way too long but I'm not sure what I would have cut. I loved the five veterans honoring the nominees too. Beyond that I'm not sure. What I am sure of is that at least now I don't have to wait until I wake up in the morning and get the Oscar results from a shirt cardboard on the kitchen table.

The Blogging Boomers Carnival (#105) Lands Here Once Again

It’s Carnival time again; the Blogging Boomers have landed here at Don’t Gel Too Soon, and they have plenty to offer. From Hole in the Donut, a story of how small the world really is – her blog helped a man discover his lost family roots when she published a present day photo of a storefront in Matten, Switzerland that had belonged to his grandfather. He was able to match it to a historical photo that ultimately led him to records that confirmed his ancestry.
Meanwhile, Rhea Becker tell us that she’s always dreamed of opening a restaurant. Would her Amish-concept restaurant survive in Boston? Learn more at The Boomer Chronicles.

Is it possible to go through menopause “naturally”? asks Wendy Lawson, who put that question to a well-respected herbalist and integrative medicine physician, and shares her advice at Menopause The Blog.

On another topic, were you part of the Oscar audience? Over at Fabulous After 40, they ask the question…How do the over 40 celebrities get to looking so sleek and perfect on the red carpet?

We all know that I Remember JFK comes up with some great memories. This time it’s a Buffalo Nickel, in typical 1960’s condition, that he found as a kid. As he puts it: “It wasn’t often that a kid of the 60’s had change in his pocket. At least it wasn’t often that I did. Come to think of it, I’m short of cash right now. Some things never change.

But go back to 1967, and if a fortunate youngster found himself with a chunk of change in his pocket, the odds were pretty favorable that among the coinage was a Buffalo Nickel or two.

And while we’re looking back — we all do it, but it’s got a bad name with most mental health professionals. That might be changing though. What are we talking about at LifeTwo? Nostalgia.

Here’s a nice simple one on Boomer life from the Midlife Crisis Queen: Behaviors to avoid when midlife crisis strikes!

In another take on life, Dina at This Marriage Thing says: Single? Here’s a bit of advice on choosing the purrfect mate..

After reading a magazine article about young entrepreneurs where only 3 of 16 were women, Andrea Stenberg wonders Are Young Women Less Likely to Be Entrepreneurs?

On the political side (sort of:) Feeling a bit Obamar-ific, Janet Wendy at Gen Plus, brings you some new online goodies from the White House

Add some technology to your politics: Barack Obama does it. So do William Shatner, Richard Branson and John Cleese… What is it? Twittering.
Tweating. Microblogging… If you want to get in on the act, head over to Contemporary Retirement.

Ditching the N Word: Happy Weekend

Even if this is only half true, it's pretty amazing. Next time we wonder about the impact of this election this is something to add to the equation. Just ask an anthropologist or a semanticist or semioticist — or for that matter a historian: language forms perspective on ideas and this is, well, riveting.(H/T to Ben Smith's Politico blog for this clip.)

Will the Obama Tax Cut Help YOU?

I didn’t know about this until my friend Madeleine Perry tweeted it, so I thought maybe you didn’t either. It’s the Obama-Biden Tax Cut Calculator. This video explains it. Instead of fighting over tax cuts, who gets them and how much they’ll yield, we can just figure it out here. Give it a try.

Remember That Old Saying “Those who do not remember history are doomed to repeat it?” Well, Look at Our Economy and Believe

OK here's my question. Did you go to high school? Didn't they teach us all that one of the major causes of the Great Depression was leveraging, buying "on margins": buying stock for a percentage and paying off the rest from sale of the stock at a higher rate, until price slides caused the crash? AND didn't they teach us that we had rules and regulations now that would prevent such a thing from ever happening again? And that our government kept an eye on all that sort of investment? And that we were safe?

So what happened? Wasn't the SEC supposed to regulate speculation? Weren't banks, like stock investments, supposed to be monitored? Weren't bank boards supposed to monitor housing loans? How did we land here again?

I wish I understood better the deregulation that I know has been implemented over time. I know that some of the housing regulatory let-up was designed to make it easier for less affluent Americans to buy homes and ended up making many of these same people vulnerable to predatory lenders. I know that some people simply bought homes they couldn't afford, and banks let them do it. I know that there have been stories about this for years, yet it continued.

I know that regulation has been substantially lifted from our entire market system. I know that our crisis is infecting other countries and taking the global economy with it. That the American consumer has kept our economy strong for years and that now, as consumers lock up their money and cancel their credit cards, that vital tool is fading.

As a US website, America.gov, explained in December:

Goods and services purchased by Americans make up
one-fifth of the global economy, but the third quarter of 2008 saw the
largest drop in consumer spending since 1980.

As the financial-market turbulence prompts U.S. households to cut back spending, economies around the globe feel repercussions.

Even after all this time, it's so hard to think about this – about how clear it is now that the deregulation and even the push for an arguably necessary but overdone easing of credit for housing purchases, how between politics and greed, banks lent to many who had no business entering into the debt that has rendered them homeless now. And that doesn't even begin to consider the careless greed of much of the financial community.
Nothing new here.

But I'll bet I'm not the only one whose anger continues to grow, whose frustration continues to grow, whose sadness overpowers. The futures of my honorable, hard-working children and their friends, and the younger ones who come after, are rendered fragile and discouraging. The future of the ideas and principles that were the Obama campaign are endangered by debt and the need to rescue the economy. The debts of the Bush years have eliminated alternatives. And as usual, when politics gets ugly and institutions become careless, the future of those who most rely on government support or protection, the weakest and less established among us, are hurt the most.

If I were my friends PunditMom Joanne or Jill, at Writes Like She Talks, I would have lots of policy citations to back all this up. But this is a piece built more of mourning than reporting. Some days recently, as I think about all this, I can literally feel myself in my seat in AP American History reading about the Great Depression and the checks put into place to prevent its recurrence. I can literally feel myself listening to my parents describe their lives in the 1930's and the permanent scars those years left. And in some ways, I can't believe it, can't believe that carelessness and greed and ignorance and an arrogance beyond describing has threatened us with those times once again.

Women’s Health Care Takes the Stage on the Hill

It makes sense. On the heels of the announcement of a new committee (H/T Writes LIke She Talks and Punditmom) to oversee protection of women's rights, the Senate Foreign Relations Subcommittee on International Operations and
Organizations, Human Rights, Democracy, and Global Women's Issues, Rep. Jan Schakowsky (D-IL), U.S. Senator Debbie Stabenow (D-MI) have introduced the “Health Care for Women Resolution.” The resolution outlines a "new framework
for women’s health" and ensure that women’s needs are a key part of the
national health reform debate. At a newsconference today, where they announced the resolution, members of the Columbia
University Mailman School of Public Health released a report that makes it clear why such a resolution is necessary.

The report, “Women’s Health and Health Care Reform: The Key Role of
Comprehensive Reproductive Care,” explores the importance or reproductive health in women’s overall health
and urges that the promotion of reproductive
health be part of any national health plan. Thirty-eight of fifty deans of
schools of public health have endorsed the recommendations in
the report.

At a news conference announcing the resolutions, Rep. Schakowsky said:

"Any debate on national healthcare reform must address the healthcare
needs of women who are often the primary caregivers and decision makers
for their families," said Representative Schakowsky. "We know that
women face exceptional challenges and have a very personal stake in
fixing our broken health care system — they know we need to act now.
The current economic crisis is not an excuse for delay; it is a
persuasive argument for an immediate response.

With new leadership on the Hill and in the White House, let's hope these are the first of many positive developments.

Blogging Boomers Are at It Again!

I'm a bit late posting this week; life took over unexpectedly. But that doesn't diminish the usual value in the assembly known as Blogging Boomers Blog Carnival #103, this week posted by Ann Harrison at Contemporary Retirement. This time we have everything from the stimulus package to canned food to hormone replacement. And there's lots more. Don't miss it.

Bloggers Support Kim Gandy for Women’s Bureau Leadership,

Despite the unpleasant posturing of the New Agenda, leading feminist bloggers are lifting their voices (or keyboards) in support of Kim Gandy, currently President of NOW, as the best and most effective candidate for leadership of the Labor Department's Women's Bureau. Among those speaking up are Liza Sabater of Culture Kitchen, Veronica Arreola at Viva La Feminista, PunditMom's Joanne Bamberger, Jill Miller Zimon at Writes Like She Talks, and me. We need more!